Life of A Teenager || us

I'm not fine

started 17/10/2019 : 4.48 PM

please don't read this is you're not interested in sad intro!!

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My first story would be about a girl.

I am a 15 year old girl with a divorced parents and 5 siblings.

Way before i was born, my parent has always been fighting. I grow up witnessing good and all the bad things. Well of course, i was still a child. And to understand those thing was tough too. I thought it would stop when i'm older later. but hey, they just don't fit each other. I used to hate my father as he cheated on my mom first. Of course my mom is very upset about that and she used to resent him much. no, they both did. 

that time i knew nothing. for the only girl in a family 7, it was hard to believed. i was close to my dad. close enough for me to know that he will always support me. i used to hate him after that. I just don't understand why would he betray my mom like that. Importantly, i couldn't understand why he had to betray my trust like that. I mean, i am his only girl,right? 

with all the talk my mom told me, my heart began to forget the good memories with my dad. well, i'm not even sure if i actually had one,with him.

they signed a divorced in early February 2017. when my mom told me she's getting a divorce, i forced a smile and said "if that is for the better of us, go on. I can't do anything too" after that or way before , my brothers stray far from him and family. It's like they are just in their own world. or whether men tend to be like this when they grow up, I never know. I have difficulties to understand myself don't expect me to think of those boys huhh

maybe from all of this, my studies gotten worst and i gradually lost interest in anything. I became someone with no future,they said. i believed it too. months went on and i finally became more and more timid,more quiet,more scared of everything. one by one counseling section went on with my school counselor but nothing changed. Maybe, i became worst..again?

no happiness stayed after that. I simply left out all the interesting stuff and something that used to be my favorite. During those times, were the time where i see things differently.

Just like that, a year passed by,again. Here, it is called secondary school. i was in form 2 aka grade 9 internationally. 

I noticed my mental health too drastically decreased. My friend noticed it. My teacher too. years before i left drawing and join the writing world. Bold of me to say because i just love to write. english is not our first language. I write poetry and stories almost everyday. Especially when i have freetime. Maybe my english improved by doing so. I was proud of it. well for a lower class being able to write and speak english fluently was kind of weird but i did it!

I started to talk more and tried to socialize with my classmates. It's not that I avoid them before this it's just they think i'm just..different? afterall my teacher said i am too matured-minded than them so our persona kind of clash. the same happened during the past years too. i become talkative during this time. I find that having a friend is actually nice as i was always left alone before. maybe that explain why i don't have many closed friends.

during this time too, i developed depression until a point i was thisclose to commiting suicide. but I didn't. I think logic in everything even though sometimes it's unexplainable. I was thinking what would happen to the people i loved if i left this world. would they be fine? will the person that hurts me even care to grieve? will my cat be fine? these question runs around my mind every night until now. Most people would think that i'm an attention seeker but honestly, i only wanted one, only one person to ask me what's wrong. of course i wouldn't answer truthfully and pretend everything's fine.