I don't know why.
I don't know why such ugly things are thought.
I don't know why such ugly things are thought by beautiful people.
I add more to the sentence as time goes, I don't want to be one those people who is depressed over something as small as a high school breakup, but the reality of it is i feel so much pain for what happened. So much regret, he took all my firsts. My first love. My first date. My first. My first. My first. My first love for stupid idiotic things only he would like.
With this pain, also comes the satisfaction of learning to be myself an gaining my real friends but that i abandoned for him.
I am happy.
I am happy for myself.
I am happy for myself because I am independent.
I want to point out that i still have my moments of weakness, but i think the reason i really have those are because he wants me back. I knew he wasn't a good person when started talking to him, but the first time I had a decent guy like me I wasn't going to let it run away from me. I should have let it run.
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I freak, as the blaring of a new Taylor Swift song wake me from my slumber. I love her album, 1989, so much. It makes my morning worth the waking up. I don't stress about things, while the lyrics touch my soul.
Dressing as slow as i can, no need to rush when i have plenty of time. I sway as the melodies hit my ears, mind, body, and soul. All the particles in my being enjoy the soft pleasant feeling of dopamine is released into my Nuero paths. This rush is what my spine loves to party with, never being bored as a fix. Music is always the best way to please my whole day.
As all my morning routine are complete, I step out into the frill cold air of the Fall air. Pulling out a set of earphones I pop them in, open my music app, click a random Ariana Grande song. Walk down the street with few others far behind me going the same route as me. At the bus stop i stand with one other girl, waiting for others to show up. Once they do, most ignore me because I don't know them very well, they divide into two groups. One made of five girls, only three girls talk the other two observe and listen, and the other made of three people(two guys and one girl), they all converse. Then me, the loner boy.
I faintly hear the bus rolling down the street, with the repetitive sounds of a loud rumble then a long slow as the bus goes over the speed bumps. I am the second to last person to enter the bus at this stop, finding a spot on the bus is always the worst part of the day, usually there isn't an open seat to myself so i search for someone who doesn't look like they aren't friendly and ask to sit by them. after finding a seat I wait for something interesting to happen or I just end up at school.
Walking down the bus aisle I prepare to exit the bus. The first few days I got off the bus i was tempted to say goodbye to the driver but i soon realize the driver doesn't care nor do they want to speak to us. Nearing my first turn into the pathways of the High school, a teacher stands reminding the kids to put they're IDs and Lanyards on.
After a few minutes of being disinvolved in the whole scene, I find my usual crowd. A group of people I love dearly but dont fit in with. Theyre the gothic/scene/emo kids and im the average, if not basic, white boy. We sit our morning group of about 5 or 6 on a small 3 seater bench while the other stand in a semi circle.
We stand, talk about the daily news of our town called Falls in Oklahoma, catch up on weekend events. Being the monday after Halloween, Friday, there were a few funny jokes spread around. I had spent my Halloween with my bestfriend, Brooke, who was located in the group. Also Saturday I spent the night at Brooke's so we had even more stuff to talk about and share with everyone.
"Devyn, FREAKING LISTEN TO ME WHEN I TALK." Brooke states as I stare off towards a random boy.
"Sorry, Sorry I was just thinking about how LOUD you snore. I'm disgusted with you." I joke as her face turns from lovingly rude to drained and mad.
"SHUT UP, YOURE NOT MUCH BETTER." Brooke shouts into the void. People look over, we ignore.
"Whatever." I swing back to her, yeah such a grand rebound. "You so fell asleep before me. You wouldnt know anything, your snores blocked all voice communication within a mile radius."
I'm really in the mood to just get the day over with, not wanting to deal with reality at the moment. I see a upperclassmen friend I have, yes i am a freshmen, and end up yelling "ZAHABRE" she is stunned and turns to me.
I dont know why I have urges to be her friend, maybe its her nerdy badass personality, maybe its the idea of a potential driver, maybe i just feel like i need a friend who can make me laugh like she does. Just maybe, its all of those. To be honest, i really do wish she and I were closer but its difficult because we only see eachother in the early morning.
Me and Z, Zahabre, walk to class together for first hour. Mr. Jones isnt here today and the sub is a chill sub named Kyle, who gets mad when you call him anything polite such as sir or mr. Searching the class i see a few people I know and others who I have high suspicion of being a back stabbing fake.
First hour flies by fast, like usual. Nothing significant catches my eyes or reminds in my memory. As the day rolls out i go through it all without worry an without much care for the place. Then in third hour something hits my emotions hard.
I stand in the middle of spanish class listening to the white english speakers try to converse in a language they know two words of, and i hear something of Frank. My ex, who took all my firsts. Chris is talking about how Frank and Tyler are together and blah blah blah. I know Chris doesnt like either of them so i shouldnt feel awkward for hearing him talk aout Frank.
I think to myself "Devyn. STOP. WORRYING. ABOUT. FRANK. He hasnt been in your life for almost two months you need to stop thinking about him. Period." I repeat over and over rapidly hating mysef for not listening to the words. I fear tears in front of everyone, they will question why im sad. I stop myself from thinking about it, i think about how many horrible things he has done to me.
As the bell rings i try to gather my things, being as slow as i usually am, I am one of the last to leave. I see Belle and run up to her, im going to really miss the hell out of her. She is moving to a distant land, Oregon, in two days. I walk with her nearly the exit to the building as she departs from my company I say my farewell.
Taking a second to cllect myself i depart into the outside hallway/tunnel thing. I drop my belonging off and head to my morning group area to find that none of my usual friends are anywhere to be found. I try texting, calling, ad searching around to find them. They are nowhere to be found. I walk into the 600 building just because i dont want to be alone outside, in the cold. I see my friend Katelyn and run to her and jump on her. Knowing she hates it, she chants that shes going to kick my face.
"DEVYN STOP DOING THAT." Katelyn trembles with anger.
"I just do whats natural to me, ya know?" I complain to her.
"Whatever, youre going to mess up my hair." She returns fixing her already messed up hair.
She rushes off to do her duties as a office aide, I know she doesnt take them serious but I still think its funnny when she has something that she actually needs to do because she desnt have something like that very much.
I search for something to waste time then deciding i kind of need to use the bathroom. Walking to the nearest bathroom I do my business. Coming out of the stall, I notice a cute boy in the corner. I say nothing, I pretend his being means little to me. He comes over and stands to the side and a little back from me while i wash my hands and he puts soap on his own. I want to act so I can maybe talk to him but i end up chickening out and let him loose without making a fool of myself. I walk out of the bathroom.
Knowing there is little time left of lunch I push myself into the cold outside air and start walking towards my locker then to my next class. The Bell Rings.
