My Silent Battle

The beginning and the end

They rushed me into the hospital with a soaked night gown and bright red blood running from my arm onto the floor. They placed me on a white bed and ran through the hospital, all I could hear was my mother screaming and the nurse yelling "She's losing too much blood!"
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I was sitting in my room, on the edge of my bed, watching the rain outside hit the window Paine. With tears streaming down my face, I picked up the blade and made a small cut along my wrist, watching as a line of blood made it to the surface and down the side of my arm. Silently screaming at myself to stop, I made the cut deeper, watching as more blood flowed out of the open wound and hit the carpet.

I've been struggling with depression since I was 8 years old. It resurfaced at the age of 10, when a man entered my bedroom. . .
As he lay on top of me, unbuttoning my shirt, I was paralyzed. I tried to ignore it and continue sleeping. After I thought he was done with me, he left the room. I lay there mentally slapping myself for being so childish and not telling him to stop.

Five years later I'm stuck in that memory, his body over mine, him running his fingers over my body, kissing me, letting his tongue slide over my neck. . . As the memories came flooding back, so do the tears, tears of helplessness and doing nothing to save myself.

As I continue to make the cites deeper, blood starts flowing uncontrollably, pouring like a thick red waterfall down my arm. I put the blade down and try to hold in the blood,
"What have I done?" I scream out in sheer horror as I watch my body rid itself of blood. My parents came charging in, stopping at the sight of me.
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I'm in the hospital as people yell and rush around me, laying in a bed with doctors surrounding me.
"Hold tight!" The doctor yells.
"Everything is going to be okay." I look up to see my mother, nearly holding it together, with a tear stained face, she gathered up her remaining strength and gave me a reassuring smile. Only we both knew it wasn't okay..

With a ghostly face and a thumping migraine, I looked around at all the chaos. Smiling up at my mother, for what I was sure would be the last time, I let the tear slide down my cheek. I closed my eyes and shut out the noise, focusing on the back of my eye lids, I remember all the times my mother and I smiled at eachother, from the moment I was born, to five seconds ago. I now know why people say you see your life flash before your eyes.

As my mother cries and the doctor continues to rush around me, bandaging my arm, I draw in a sharp breath and try to muster,
"I love you." To my mother.
Just as she was about to speak, she was rushed out of the room by a heard of doctors. She didn't even get to tell me she loved me.

Panic rising as I thought I'd never see her again or my family, realizing I'd made a mistake. My heart POUNDING against my chest, forcing more blood to seep through the bandages. Doctors tried to calm me down, as I started to cry my heart rate slowed, and it got slower and slower, till eventually.. It just stopped..