Shattered

Saturday (2 weeks and 1 day)

It's early, and I am crying on Griffin's shoulder because I am remembering the day of the crash all over again. And I can't stand it. I am on the verge of a panic attack and nurses notice this and take me into the therapist. Who then teaches me the steps to calm down. She says it won't always work completely but that it will help. Breathe in, and hold then breathe out. Imagine something happy and calming like the ocean, waves crashing onto the beach. I nearly cry again when I think of the word crashing. Then I sit thinking of the ocean breeze how calming it sounds.

I think about Lance and his laugh, how his chest stays still but the rest of him lights up and vibrates. It's adorable. He reminds me of my kitten in some ways. And I am thrown back to the first day, how I walked into that science class as a year 7. How Lance was there with his brown hair in a ponytail and his glasses were black-rimmed. His eyes were bright and full of hope. And they still are but he isn't here.

And I am still and it is really cold. I can't hear what Griffin is saying at first, until I realise that he is chewing a cookie. He holds one out for me, and I breathe. I ignore that voice saying "what the hell are you doing, he's trying to make you fat! Don't you dare eat that. I mean it, I will make you do something bad." I shrug and bite into the chocolate chip cookie, "mmmm" the cookie is so soft and the chocolate melts away. So I didn't eat much yesterday, but I am going to try my best today. I have today and tomorrow left then my aunt and Lance are picking me up. But for now Griffin is smiling at me, "Jasmine and Britney made them last night, for all of us. They are being released next month but I think they want to stand on their own legs if you get what I mean." I smile and nod.

Griffin squeezes my hand and tells me how he ended up in here, "Elara when I was little I used to run around and I loved sweets. Like any other kid, but you remember that rumour in primary about a boy that ate sweet wrappers more than the sweets. That was me after my dad was diagnosed with Bulimia Nervosa, years went by and he got better then worse again. Until this year he had a heart attack at work and he died. I cried for weeks, and my mum did too. My friends didn't ask, I withdrew from everyone. Slowly I ate more and more, I knew it was bad but it made that guilt from my dad's death go away. But it always came back so I ate more. Until that final exam where I loaded up on paper because I was so stressed. And I came out of there smiling, until this pain started in my stomach and it grew upwards. More and more until I vomited a lot mostly blood and then my heart gave way. And I heard my friends panicking one went to get a teacher, the other to get the nurse but it was a bit late for that so they called an ambulance. The last one, my best friend Aaron, stayed by me and held my hand. He told me that it was going to be okay and I believed him a little bit. I was barely awake in the ambulance and when I got to the hospital they knocked me out. And cleared my stomach, then I was tube fed for a week or so before waking up. Then as you know I tried to escape and I met you." I looked back at him with my eyes streaming because I understood all too well. Then I hugged him, "We'll be okay, it's not going to be easy so bring your battle armour. And keep going, because we have to survive. To change the world make it a better place for the next generation. Make sure people understand all of this and so we can help all of those around us. Everyone needs help sometimes and we meet people to help us carry on." Griffin nods his eyes welling up with tears and I hug him. "Your dad is up there cheering you on, telling you to fight this. He can't believe how strong you are. And I bet he couldn't be prouder the boy you have become. Griffin, you are so strong and I know how hard this is, but you'll get better. This in here will guide you and this will keep you alive but only if you look after your body. We are only given one body and I think we should make the most of it."

And Griffin looks at me and states, "Now that's the Elara that I know, you definitely need to make a speech to others who are struggling someday. Thanks for helping me. It's been a tough year you know." And I nod of course I understand, he is struggling like anyone else when they grieve it's just that monster took over and made him a deal to make him numb. He didn't ask for any of it, no one ever does. You see the monsters don't discriminate, they pick the strongest of us apart until all that is left is shattered on the floor. We all break, we are only human, we all walk around like everyone else. Question how people feel and listen, that's all someone needs sometimes.