Shattered

Sunday (2 weeks and 2 days)

I wake up on the sofa with Griffin. We are in pyjamas, somehow. I just know that it doesn't seem to matter. Today is my final day.

After this my life... takes back over. And I don't think I'm ready for that. It makes me feel sick, because it could get in control again and I can't let that happen. Here I feel safe, and they understand. And it's that unique blend of amazingness and terror. You see one meal could mean life or death, and perhaps that should sting but it doesn't. Maybe I would describe this as a numbness, to the facts, as well as this physical zombie like state that you seem to slowly slip into. Slowly moving, never quite keeping up with the crowd or anyone else for that matter. The finish line gets further away, the pounds melt away. At what cost? At what cost? That's what the doctors ask you. It's their way of saying that is impossible, you are dying you need help. But you don't want to hear it, you can't hear it. It's like this blur, that makes you miss everything. You can never quite focus, like a faulty camera never quite working, running on empty.

I am waiting for the moment where I feel truly alive. Where I can see and hear it all. I just... I just want to see myself how others see me. As beautiful and not as this... shattered doll that is grotesque and fat. I feel like I am made of glass. They told me that the milk was to strengthen my bones, because they are weak, I heard the nurses saying it's a wonder how she hasn't developed osteoporosis. And I felt this pang of guilt because it was partially my fault in a way. I let it happen. But no one here blames me or themselves. "It's the demons not us."

Griffin wakes up his eyes light up and he says "happy leaving day Elara." And I smile at him. "I don't want to go, Griffin. I just have to. My uncle is ill." I look down at the floor and tears just start falling. "Hey. No tears today. Elara we are going to have the best day ever. Now come here." I look at him. And he hugs me. "First Jasmine has something for you then meet me back in here for breakfast." I nod and I walk to my room.

I pack up my stuff, laptop and all. I keep the tears in. A suitcase now full of clothing is all I have except my rucksack which has the rest of my belongings in it. Then Jasmine smiles as I turn around, "You look positively radiant Elara, now I hear it's someone's last day and I have something for you. She grabs a big cardboard box and hands me it. "I'll help you get ready now to open it up. It's from me and a few others they brought the accessories and Pipa gave you the shoes. I made the dress and jacket. Your outfit from last night is in the bag at the foot of your bed."

I open it, and inside is this beautiful pair of small blue high heels on top of a silver necklace with a diamond heart. And a bracelet that is blue velvet with a black opal gem in the centre. Then there is a blue clutch purse with black lace over the right side. Beneath that there is a sweetheart dress with a high front and a low back so that the bottom seems to flow as if it is a cloud that has been cut diagonally. The back is straight, and there is a concealed zip from my butt to the top of the back. The dress is dark blue with a black belt around the centre where black lace forms down it. And I gasp, then cry. Then I see the leather jacket, and I turn it over embroidered on the back in blue thread is 'our beautiful writer Elara Glass'. "It's too beautiful, I can't take this." Then Jasmine directs me to the dressing mirror. "This girl in here," she points at the mirror, "is one of the most beautiful girls I have ever met. What she needs is to see that for herself. Wear whatever makes you feel beautiful, and don't let that demon win. You are an angel, never forget that." I nod and for a second I feel like the old me again, the happy me.

I get changed then Jasmine does my hair, straightening it and adding a little hair clip which is a blue gem with black lace surrounding it. I smile and thank her. I hugged her. "Do you think we will all be okay?" I ask. "I don't know for certain but I hope we all do. Hope is the best weapon we have."

I walk out to the lounge and there is a cake on the table with a banner over the exit 'sorry to see you go, but excited to see what you can achieve'. Then I gulp it all down every tear, every ounce of fear and every centimeter of self hatred. Then I see all of them "ELARA!" Maddie squeaks. Maddie runs up to me and hugs me. Followed by Lance and Jade. Then we all sit down with the others. "What first?" Griffin asks. "How about would you rather?" I suggest. And we play, questions being thrown from one of us to another. And I have never been so happy yet scared at the same time.

By the evening the cake is gone, and we are all dancing to pop songs. Griffin bobbing his legs and head up and down to the song bravely. And T-Jay staring at his lips, then they stand still getting closer and they kiss. "Didn't know you like me dude. If I had of I would've done that so much sooner." Griffin smirks. "You are a lovely guy you know that right?" T-Jay nods, "When we get out of here how about we go on a date to the movies? Or wherever you would like." Any Griffin kisses him again, "I would love that."

I put a thumbs up towards Griffin gas soon as T-jay goes to get a drink. Griffin sprints towards me like a schoolgirl and squeals. "I am so happy for you Griffin. You better tell me how it goes. And I'll keep you posted." He chuckles to himself. And maybe this moment would be sad if I wasn't so full of hope, so full of the energy that my friends have given me.

And yes my aunt is waiting for me, my uncle is sick in a hospital somewhere. And I don't care, not about him. Hell where was he when I was 8, he was in Spain living it large with my aunt one last time before he left her at the airport. Then a year later, she searched for me and won custody. I love my aunt, she looks after me. I guess anyone reading this will understand that, it was tough when James her son moved out 8 months ago she didn't know what to do. Lost without him you could say, and family dinners became lonely. And now I don't want to leave but I know I have to. 'Time to fly my little bird head up, flap hard and chirp when you can.' What if I'm not ready, what if my wings snap and I fall down? What if I shatter completely?

Lance wraps his arms around my shoulders, "What are you thinking about flame girl?" I feel a smirk flush my face and I respond "My life and whole future. Nothing that major." He smiles and tugs me into the small garden, "listen to me, I really like you and I would love to go out with you sometime. But we can be friends if you would rather do..." I put my finger on his lips shushing him. "I like you too. But I can't rush straight into a relationship so, maybe we could take it slow?" He nods and blushes, "Can I kiss you?" With a split second I kiss him as a reply, "No fair." He chuckles kissing me back.

It is 11 and we are all tired around the carpet in the lounge. And I know that in 8 hours I'll be gone. I ask all of them for their phone numbers and I text them all so they have my number. Counting down the moments, Griffin and I play tag in the halls to distract us from the new day which is quickly approaching us. It is practically running past us and knowing us in the stomach as we get out of breath and walk back to the lounge. B-i-n-g b-o-n-g. The clock chimes and it is now Sunday.