An artfull love

Crazy Dream..

Mikaella

"A smile is in my mother's face when a man beside her took her hand and gave her something shiny and expensive looking jewelry. The image of the man is blurry I can't make out his face so I focus on my mother's happy face and there was a little girl who I thought was me smiling from behind. I was supposed happy there in that beautiful place. It is a garden of flowers, that blooms with lavander and tulips. A cottage is positioned in the center and the furnishing is so alluring that I feel super connected to that place. I walk neerer to the two couple when the man call me but then a loud sound hurt my ear and the little girl starts crying saying the word mommy then it all stops."

I open my eyes and saw the blinding light from outside our house. I am dreaming again but I can't remember much of the details. I keep on dreaming that same dream every night and I don't know what it is all about and why. I get off my bed and look outside. It's sunrise and my mom is still asleep. I pick up my slippers and get to the kitchen. I ready our breakfast thinking about my dream. It's so word to dream the same dream every night and I can't stop thinking that the little girl was me though mommy says so that it's not. She has the same shade of brown eyes like mine and the resemblance is so there but mommy always deny it and said it was just a dream. I just can't stop thinking about it especially if it was only a dream why won't it stop. Why am I still dreaming about it? I close my and put the pancake down on the table. Then mom arrives from outside. Why would she be outside when I left her asleep? "Mommy I thought you're still in bed?" She walks closer to the table pulling out one chair and sit. " I knew you'd get up early today and I just went out to get some air". She smiles at me. Like any other day here I am again trying to ask her tons of questions on my mind. She took one of the pancake and another and start putting some syrup. I look at her face while while she's doing that. "You seems to be thinking something Mikaella, what is it?" She take her fork and continue eating after she looked at me for a second. I don't know what I should ask first. I lay my head down then stare at her. "Mommy, why is it that we're the only ones living in this place." She didn't answer, she just continue to eat her breakfast. I know it's stupid to ask these questions but I've never been out of this house my whole life. "I mean mommy don't we have any neighbors, why are we living here alone" I breath then whisper "or are we" then I continue talking but mom look at me fiercely so I stop. I know what that means already, she disagree with me suggesting to live in the city but I am curious about it. I wanted to see how is life out there, all my life I stayed here doing same thing over and over again everyday. "We don't need no one and having a neighbor would be stressful and living in the city would be problematic and trust me you would be better if you stay here"she chew her food and drink. I know she's mad at me again but is it bad to ask her something is it so bad to do what I want to do and is it so hard to want something for once." But I'm not happy mom" I said angrily " I am not happy being here all alone ,I wanted to see what's out there mom, I wanted to experience life outside the walls of this house. Mommy please " I feel the tears coming out but I don't mind them." No,you will stay here" she walk out and leave me alone . I sit down and tears fell down.

When I return back to my room,mom is leaving again carrying her shoulder bag all dress up. I'm sure she's going out there .I really wanted to go whether mom wants it or not ." I have to go now ,stay here okay "she hold my face and smile at me. "Ok mommy" she turn back but it can't wait I wanted to go too. " Mom can I go with you?" I plead to her. " We already discuss about it and you will stay here " she walk so fast " but mommy why, you are going out there but why can't I go too"I tell her back.

Why can't I go? What is the problem mommy, why don't you wanna let me out of here?" Looks like I pulled some needle out of her heart.

I am crying now "Mika, it's for your own good, I am just protecting you." I can feel her love and concern but all I ask was why. Are we hiding from something or someone? I insisted
" Mommy I wanted to understand, I am not a kid anymore. I have grown up and I can understand things clearly now, you don't have to hide from me." She hold my hands and look at me as if she was hurt hearing every word that came out of my mouth."All I wanted to do was protect you, I don't want you to experience hurt, loneliness and failure and believe me it's all for you" she end " so stop crying now"

I raise my head and saw a tear fell down from her eye but she wipe it so fast. "You have to trust me Mika, trust mommy Ok?" I nod, that's the only thing I could do now. I really can't convince mommy to let me out of this house. She walks out the door and locked it, that's it when she locks that door I can't really go out anymore. Only she could open it. I enter my room looking at the painting that I have painted there. There's almost no space for another one, good thing mommy bought me a canvas and a cartridge so I can paint anything I want. I remember when I was 12 she gave me this as a present and the paints but it's a surprise I can't remember anything back then, when I was 8 years old? I can't remember mommy ever told me that I have lost a memory either. I feel like there's some missing part of me, not only being kept in here knowing nothing about how they live out there. It's like some part of me is missing.

As I think of it, the memory of my dreams resurface and I started to paint the garden of flowers that I saw and the cottage with milky cream color. As I paint I think of the details of the place then suddenly I heard a sound of a gun, I think, being fired came ringing into my head then my head hurts and I drop the brush to the floor. In the garden a man dress in blue hold a gun along with the other men surrounding the area. They seem to be authorized. The man beside mommy hold a gun and fire it causing the other men to ooze blood to their shirt. I and mommy tried to run but one of the man in blue saw us and follow us. We were escaping and mommy just stop when a loud sound was heard and the little girl stand still and drop to the ground. She has been shot. My head starts screaming. Then it all stop, everything went black to white then black. My head hurt so much but I feel pain on what just came into my head. I feel physical and emotional pain but I don't know why. I am not asleep so don't aren't dream. Was there a chance that it might be a memory. A memory when I was child because I can't remember anything like any other memory before. I went into mommy's room though she told me not to go inside but I wanted to know if it's true. Mommy won't say anything but I will find out myself. I rummage through her cabinet, her drawers but I found nothing. Where else did she hide a thing from her past. I look down almost hopeless then I remember when I was a kid. When mommy was so mad at me I hide under my bed. I look under hers and found a very old box. It was all dusty but I open it anyway and I saw a diary inside the box dated 1996-1997. I open the diary but read nothing in it and a paper fall down. The paper opened and a a drawing beautifully colored and a lace tying their hand together. The lace is real and not drawn so the beauty of this art is mesmerizing.
Then I read the words written in it. 'My art of love for you Ellaine'. It's mommy's name. My mommy has loved before? I read a few of the letters there and find it so beautiful to think about. I put back the diary in the box and take it back under the bed. I found nothing in relation to me and the memory that flash back in my head but I am sure now that we have lived in the city before with the man she loves. But why is it that there were mens with guns in that memory?.