Notes to Joseph

Chapter 1

"Breathe Karla."

My pulse quickens. The back of my foot continues to fidget on the white square tile floor. My eyes look up just to check to make sure I did not forget to lock the dark pink bathroom stall. Locked. Why is everything in this dorm so feminine? This all girls dorm might as well act like a sorority house. My right hand grips tighter on the white object in my hand. So small, yet so powerful.

"Just breath."

I take a deep breath in. As if trying to take in any amount of reinforcement I can get. It is useless. I am alone. How long am I supposed to wait? I breathe out.

"Dear God-"

I take a sharp breath in as I suddenly hear the bathroom door swing wide open. Girls laughter fills the room, leading my body to instinctively take a smaller amount of space while hoping to not let out a peep. I check again to make sure the bathroom stall is locked as if it will protect me from the outside world. Still locked. But it is not what is happening on the outside of the stall that I am afraid of. Rather, the inside. I hear one of the girls let out a giant sigh as she enters into an empty stall.

"Can you believe the semester is already piling up?"

"I know right," a girl replies, "It is like we just got back from Christmas break."

A picture of him flashes into my mind. Nothing but a tall massive form standing over me with his firm and bulky arms crossed over his puffed up chest. His dark brown hair curled up to reveal his pitch black eyes staring at my body. Stop it Karla! I viciously shake my head to get it out of my memory.

"Hey Lauren, will you wait for me?"

"No problem Syd," Lauren responded, "I am just applying some mascara."

I look down at the object in my hand. Nothing. My head falls down even further as my foot quickens its movement. All I can stare at are my white converse as I try to drown out the noise of the other women in the bathroom. My lip starts to quiver, thus I firmly bite the bottom part of my lip to stop from moving. Though when one stops, another starts. Soon after, my left hand begins to fiercely grip the ends of my long black Rolling Stones t-shirt. How long are they going to take in here?

I hear the neighboring bathroom stall open. Slowly, I exhale the breath that I have been holding in for what feels like an eternity.

"Breathe Karla," I whisper to myself, hoping that they did not hear me.

"How did you think you did on Professor Haulkmer's Theology 2 exam?" Sydney asked as I hear her turning on the sink to wash her hands. Her friend Lauren immediately responds with a groan.

"Probably terrible. I love his class, but his exams are extremely difficult. I mean, I love what I am learning, but it is as if he was trying to trick us up. What about you?"

"I definitely hear you there. It is such a privilege to learn more in depth about the Holy Spirit and all, but I am honestly praying that I at least get a passing grade."

The water turns off and my ears pick up the sound of the hand paper towel dispensers.

"Well I will obviously be praying for you about that exam"

"Thanks Lauren. You are too sweet!" I see a loose strand of my ripped boyfriend jeans and immediately start messing with it. "I will be praying for you too."

With that I hear the bathroom door swing wide open as the girls finally exit.

"Is it time?" I asked myself. I wish life can just stand still. That we can just pause and stay put where we are at, but that would not be life. Life keeps moving forward even when all you want to do is stay put. Time is precious. Time is a curse. Time is something out of our control. My lungs once again fill up as I take one last deep breath in before I let time continue on.