Sad Vibes

Not in any way that matters

My phone buzzed. I looked at it. My girlfriend texted me. I took another puff of my joint before taking a moment to read it.
I'm really horny ;)
I sat the phone down and turned my music up louder. It played on a speaker connected to my phone. The playlist was labeled "Chill" and all the songs sounded like something to study to. I thought about the text. For a moment I wanted to tell her that I didn't want rough sex. I didn't want sex at all really. I wanted her to lay down with me and hold me. Instead, I humored her.
God what I'd do to you rn
She texted back
Tell me
I stared at my phone, laying on the floor next to me. I took a long shaky breath and another puff of the joint. I started typing.
Baby? I don't want to do this. I want to lay down and cry. I want you to hold me while I cry.
I stared at the unsent message for a while before deleting it and replacing it with something more promiscuous. If I had sent that she would've understood. Why hadn't I sent that? I sighed and ran my hand through my hair, turning the music up again. I let myself fall away into the beat. The lyrics were muffled and I couldn't understand every word but I sang along anyway with a small trembling voice.
My phone buzzed again.
I want to eat you out. I want to make you happy.
I smiled a little bit. I wanted her to happy, but that wouldn't make me feel good in any way that mattered. My smile faded. I took another puff, this time holding the smoke in my lungs, relishing the burning in my chest. I held it until I needed to breathe and longer. Eventually when I exhaled the air was clear.
I want that too, I replied.