I'be been thinking for a while... these days, happiness is hard to find and I'm having a hard time moving forward. Though I feel very grateful to have such amazing and loving friends, I feel all alone in this stupid world, I feel empty. I receive all this love, but I don't feel worthy enough to accept it. I feel grateful to have such a beautiful family too, but sadly they don't know what's really going on with me, what's wrong. I don't want them to feel like they failed me, so I only show them my good side, my happy side, but sadly, that's not really me, it's all fake. I'm everything but happy right now. I feel like depression has never truly left me after all these years of suffering and not being able to feel what true happiness feels like. I know I shouldn't complain, because I have everything I need and some people have it way harder than me. Maybe I'm just a little brat to complain about my problems like this, but honestly I'm just trying to understand. Why me? I admit, when I look at my friends, I feel jealous sometimes. I feel like I'm the only one struggling because they look like they have it so much easier than me, even though I'm sure they have their personal struggles too. But then again, why do they get to feel true happiness but not me? I know I'm very emotional, I cry, a lot and I like to express myself. But that's because I'm really empathic,I only feel emotions through others. If I see someone happy, I'll get a glimpse of what happiness feels like. If I see someone sad, angry, excited or whatever emotion they may feel, I'll feel it too. But on my own, the few ones I can feel are only anger, sadness and emptiness (if that's even an emotion). I feel like I'm not even living my own life, I feel like an outsider or a bystander, because I feel so detached from myself, like I'm living someone else's life, waiting for them to claim it back and take control. Compared to others surrounding me, I have no motivation to keep going, it feels like I have nothing to do out here, in this world. I'm useless and sometimes I even feel like a burden. So I decided to make a promise to myself...
If by the age of 25 I feel like I still have no purpose, no goals and that depression is still haunting me, making me suffer again, I'm going to end everything. If my life in the next years still feels worthless and pointless, I'm ending everything myself to finally feel at peace and maybe find true happiness wherever it may take me. I don't want to spend a lifetime feeling lost and not knowing if I'm ever going to be good one day. If may seem stupid to others but I'm on the edge here and I can't take it anymore and I hope they will understand that I did not kill myself, all of those years of suffering, pain and depression did. Don't blame me, blame them.
This is my first post Wattpad and the first text I've ever written on my own. I don't really think people will like it but I wanted to post it because it's a text I've written with my heart and with which I feel really close to. Don't worry I'm doing fine now... this however was how I truly felt a few months ago now, when I was really not doing well. But now I'm good so don't get alarmed too much. I hope people will appreciate reading it even though it's not really poetic or well written, it's just a message I really wanted to tell. ( ' ▽ ' )ﾉ
