Too Dark

Life Aint Easy

You see
Life ain't easy
Some say it ain't worth it
Maybe they're right
Maybe dying is better
Because living here ain't with it
I close my eyes and feel nothing
But pain
I wish it was over
Why are we like this?
Teens with depression
But we're just tripping right?
You only care when I'm dead..
Yes I know it's been a minute but i'm back again >.<
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I wake up and my face is wet. I look around clueless then *THUD* something hits the floor and scares the sh- "awf" "OMG coca i'm so sorry" I say to my 3 year old beagle puppy. I pick her up and rub her belly , she's all good. I can't help but think about Eli, it's tattoos are intriguing , heh maybe i should get one. Who am i kidding i couldn't take that pain like i can't take d- ...anyway. I open my phone to see text from Win , Star, King and Eli.
Win💕😘: GIRL HE REALLY ASKED ME OUT OMGGG
Star✨😌: Gotta shake that @$$ for a real one mama lmao
Kingy💞: Lets hop on 2k
Kingy💞: dang you really fell asleep on me
Eli🧃: See my boy likes to home girl but don't think i ain't see you staring me down😏
I respond to them all and laugh at Eli

Me: don't act like you wasn't staring at me like you got a problem or sum. Never seen melanin before kiddo?😉
I go on with my day showering, brushing my teeth and making breakfast for MYSLEF AND COCA and watch some tv on the big screen tv in the front. The twins are running around doing gods knows what to the house.
Dad "Hey babygirl. You're up early" he says. "Yeah I got hungry, where are you off to?" i ask. "Well your know me and your mother s anniversary coming up😏 so i gotta go get some c-" "TMI TMI" i scream. "Dad i didn't need to know all that" He's laughing at me, " I'm going to get her some Calla Lily's. What did you think i was gonna day?" I look away to watch sesame street avoiding the question. "Netta i know you heard me  don't make m-" "Font you have to go get mom her flowers before she wakes up and sees them?" He walks away defeated and out the door. "You ain't slick" he says then leave. "Yeah another convo for another day old man". I go back to my room to chill as i do i see some of the previous scars from over the years...it's hard to not think about but things have been better i'm glad i'm doing better. Everyone has their days...you feel like a victim, worthless, weak, not needed, and useless. I'm just one of the lucky ones you could say, i'm still here after many attempts, i'm still here maybe for a reason. I don't want to see my parents hurt but sometimes i don't know how to tell them that the life they have their daughter....she doesn't want it anymore. That's my final thought before drifting off to sleep...sometimes i wish it would last forever.

*A few hours later*
I awake to my phone ringing *Hello* i say not seeing who it was before answering. "We found a kitty come see" i hear alexia say. "I'll see later pooh i'm tired right now love you" "love you too butthead." *click* she hangs up. Ima drag that child i swear. I answer a few text and see a wattpad notification of my favorite boom, it's been updated yess starting the day off right. I get up stretch and turn on youtube to vibe you know. I play "I Want You Around" by Snoh ( lemme put y'all on and listen to this) and just dance like i'm feeling free with music cause i know it's going to always be there. I head downstairs after hearing my mom calling me. She wants to check on me, see if i need a mental health day or anything. "I'm fine ma really don't worry so much i love you" i say. "Alright baby just checking on you" she says. I smile, knowing not all parents are like this i'm glad mine are, everyone can't be so lucky to have a family that check on you.

As the day goes back i chill with the twins, coca while mom and day play Luther Vandross Here and Now. Glad i grew up listening to real music. The groups wants to facetime so you know i do my thang we always acting a fool, King mad saying we made him lose knowing he a loser anywayyyyy lol. Even Jacob telling him he sucks but Jacob is a clown, hell egg anything on. You know it's times like this i'm grateful for them. They made me laugh and smile even on my worse days. Now we all playing the game on facetime while win left us to go call ant. I'm glad he likes her for who she is cause if he hurts her, me and star know how to hide a body *wink wink*. Eli even hops on the game with us, surprising enough ant and win join the call and we're like one big happy family minus the kids..who gone push those big heads out? Not I.
Star and Simone really said me and eli would make cute little babies when i tell you i fell out my chair laughing , now when i brung up whats a name she went quiet yeah i thought so. "What about what's a name star? You know Pau- " she cuts me off "Aye you don't even gotta go there he's old news!" "Not in them thighs tho👩🏾‍🦯." Everybody dying in the call we laughed so hard my mom came to see if everything was alright lmao. We stay up until like 3-4 in the morning and i can say i got the best group out here. We say our goodnights and went to sleep...well some of us did.

Life can bring many things , it's the way you live it is all that matters is how i see it. As i close my eyes and drift to sleep i wonder.....
" Where so I go from here?"
slowly my eyes close and i'm in dream land

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I haven't updated in soooo long😂 how's it goin so far? do you guys like the book or even still read it? anyway if you are going through something you aren't alone don't forget that and you are stronger than you think you will overcome any obstacle that comes your way don't forget that. You aren't alone and you got this and people are there to help you it's going to get better maybe not not or soon but eventually it will believe in yourself 💜!

#BLACKLIVESMATTER and Melanin is the ish✨