Hidden Secrets

His Chains

Whenever I see him, flashbacks appear. Flashbacks of isolation, frustration and neglect.
I am finally free of his manipulating chains, his intellect and wit - and yet, he is still there, still controlling, still trying to bend me to a knee.. Force my will..
6 years of isolation, by being blinded by him not raising a hand, like the rest did, whenever they got angry at me. Thinking that respect and partnership was bottling up feelings, losing one-self and dedicating everything to him. Always compromising with myself, to fulfill his needs instead of my own.
6 years of me being invited to events, hang-outs with friends and family, but rejecting everything because he couldn't or didn't want to come along, and if I ever thought about going, he would guildtrip me or hold me back everytime - yet he could have weekly hobbies hours away from home, go out with friends and go to events.

When I started to socialize, it was a problem, when I wanted to do things, it was a problem, when I opened up and talked about my problems, they were inconvenient.
My boundaries were a problem, or maybe he just wasn't listening - oh yeah, that's right. He never were..
A simple "no" didn't mean anything to him, pushing me up in corners, making me the monster everytime, so he could guildtrip me some more and feel sorry for himself.

But I am the manipulating one. The aggressive one, the violent one - for expressing my needs and feelings without being heard or respected back. I am the bad person, the big bad wolf.

I am not the one that lied through everything, I was not the one not trying, not listening.. The one that weren't there! I was present and willing, but that wasn't fun, was it? No.. The fun part is seeing a person crumble before you. Making them so damaged, hurt and vulnerable, that they can't be without you. Like he did.. Forced me to my knees, made me beg for his attention, his time, his affection; and when I found that elsewhere, because another person saw me hurting and took care of me, but through and between computer screens; when I told him about that, while he already obviously knew how I was hurting, he didn't do anything about it. He didn't demand anything, do anything or say anything. He ignored me.
I was the one to suggest therapy, I was the one letting go of the neglect, compromising myself yet again, for a person who didn't care.. Yet again, even though I was screaming for his attention.
1 year of therapy, of repeating myself, of crying, trying and understanding, but never really getting anything in return, other than a man that seemed careless, a man who would say a lot of nice things, but never would back it up with actions.
When I gave up, not on us, but on life, he gave up too. He was a child, mirroring me, demanding my attention, now that I was a husk of myself. He used my body as he wished, he took advantage of my hurt, forcing me to his will, and while he was busy doing that, we almost lost everything because of his carelessness. Our facade and white picket fence, perfect picture "reality".
And guess who got blaimed for that too..

I just needed a break, I needed for him to actually take responsibilty, show that he could and wanted to.
But he wasn't going to.. Instead he left me hurting, he left me for my own.

I died.. But like a phoenix I rose from my ashes, stronger than before, and I had the strength to let go of my childhood dream and demand my happiness back. I demanded distance for a start, but distance to him apparently meant pushing his dick inside another woman.

So I left.

I left and I never looked back, other than opening my arms for the life that we created together.

I am the aggressive one. The violent one, the neglecting one.. I am manipulating and causing inner chaos at everyone who meets me. I am the one putting chains on other peoples ancles, keeping them under pressure always.

If I am so terrible, why didn't he leave then? If he had it so bad as he claims today, why was I the one to leave then?
Why am I the one he still aims his anger at?

I will never lose myself again, as I did with him.
He can throw anything at me, but I know deep in my heart, that his lies, him lashing out, is because he is losing his grip on me, and it is hurting him.

He is seeing me breaking free of his chains..

And I am just spreading and stretching my wings, prepairing to fly again.

And I will fly again. I will fly.