I feel like I shouldn't kill myself short-term, but in the long-term I see no respite... so I'm always arguing with myself that I should commit sooner.. I mean I'm a terrible person and worthless anyway, I shouldn't have to live this life. I refuse to be forced to change. I'm safe for now, hopefully nothing worse continues to happen. I'm probably as terrified as I have or will ever be, (for the last few years.) hopefully that will calm down.
But at the same time, I don't want to feel like I committed suicide because I was pushed to it by someone else who honestly wanted to see me die — but that it was a personal choice with my dignity still in tact. I guess the only reason I haven't killed myself — it would probably give the predators a power over me and bring them too much pleasure that a predator could only enjoy, that I die.
I guess in the end, should no one achieve pleasure from my pain, No one should account any of my recent (negative, traumatic) exposures or expositions for a cause of me committing, (I have been abused physically 177 times since November 2014), only then could my suicide be an act of a free spirit who desires a better place and an easy rest.
For now, I need to focus on making my way out of the lime-light, in order to live as peaceful, alone, as unbothered as possible. Because each negative interruption takes away from my true purpose and makes me less of the person that I'm meant to be and who I would be today if it never happened.
Yeah, maybe I am bitter because I know I have become a lesser version of myself, but even before when I was the best person I could be, I still saw suicide as a sort of salvation. But then again, that also encourages me to want to act on impulse and commit at the drop of a dime. However, that would take the dignity out of the suicide and I'd want to have maintained the inner peace that I feel I have lost in the last 14 years before I can feel competent and free to act, to do what is best for me.
