[Disclaimer]
This will make almost no sense if you haven't seen 'The Matrix'.
Weird realization:
I can't have Advil (which typically takes the form of a blue pill), and I instead can only take Tylenol (which is red). This means nothing, really, only that I take the same colour pills as Neo, and that I should, theoretically, get to leave the Matrix. The mere notion of that is completely irrational and insane, but it happened so I have to acknowledge it.
The interesting thing is that, immediately after I started writing this I thought: "If I keep choosing the red pill, why am I still here?" Which is insane, but I legitimately thought that for a few moments.
It's sometimes hard to tell if it's my imagination or an actual delusion. I read somewhere that doubting the legitimacy of your environment is a form of dissociation. This could simply be an overactive imagination, or something much more serious. I do have a history of believing that our world is fabricated. When I was in CAIP I thought that I was a robot. A guinea pig in an experiment to see how quickly you could break the human mind. Somehow that was easier to believe than a diagnosis of complex PTSD and bipolar disorder.
Sometimes I feel like it is just easier for me to believe in the Matrix. That way I can keep believing that nothing is real, and that nothing matters, and that I truly have no control. Because again, that is somehow easier than accepting my actual situation.
Regardless of everything that I have have just written, I still find myself looking for an answer.
"...why am I still here?"
YOU ARE READING
Chronicles of Darkness and Failure: A Public Journal
Non-FictionA digital database full of my fevered ramblings. Some of it is venting, some of it is creative writing. Idk guys, enjoy reading my insanity. This probably goes without saying but, I'm issuing a trigger warning.
