Into the darkness

Consuming darkness

I look around the darkness of my room, wishing it would just take over. Why can't I just be the darkness, I said to myself. As long as I can remember I've always loved the darkness. How it devours everything, how you never know what or who could be watching you. Will my suffering ever end?

When I was a kid it was just me and my dad. My dad wasn't the best father but who is nowadays right? Whenever I heard him yelling at nothing and saw the beer bottles everywhere I would hide. Hide from the clenched fist coming down striking my face. The feeling of blood running down my cheek and neck. The throbbing pain pulsing through my head down my body.

I would hide in the darkest corners of the house. Make myself one with the darkness, make my breathing and movements so slow that no ear could hear me. This went on for years, so as you could assume I gotten really good at it. Even though I would get better and better each time I would blend myself in darkness, my dad would still find me at times. Hearing the anger in his voice, his eyes as red as blood from the lack of sleep, his breath stench of alcohol. He always seemed to be mad at something that wasn't even here in the house. Little did I know, I would soon find out I was wrong.

Once I turned 17, I started counting down the days of my 18th birthday. Finally I will be able to leave this house, my dad and start a new life. I never went to school, my dad always told me it's just another form of government brainwashing. Most of my daytime consisted of walking. I never wanted to be home and deal with the yelling and my body shaking, wondering if I would be given another scar to add to the collections all over my body due to my dad.

Everytime I walk I get so lost in my thoughts, thinking about how I use to try to make my body be the darkness, how I would get lost in the pitch black not realizing it's been hours. As I looked up I noticed that the sun has set and the sky was getting darker by the minute. I started walking back home, preparing myself for what I'll be walking into back at home. As I was walking I looked to my right and noticed an alleyway that I've never seen before. Maybe I get so lost in my thoughts that I never noticed it, I thought to myself. I took one last look at the alleyway and saw how dark it was, how it made everything feel like nothing compared to the strength of the void it swallows.

I know realized it's been an hour since I stopped and admired the darkend alleyway. Maybe when I get home dad will be asleep, I said outloud. I walked up the rotting old stairs to the front door, I took a deep breath and walked in. No dad in sight, the TV was on but no surprise there he always fell asleep while watching his nightly news. I walked down the hall to my room, each floorboard creaking as I took the faintest steps. As I was about to go into my room, I heard my dad down the hallway.

"Where were you?" He said. "I was on a walk, I lost track of time" I replied. He walked up to me, I could smell the booze coming out of his mouth, I almost gagged. I could still see the anger in his eyes, so full of hate and rage. "It's 1 in the morning" he said to me. I could feel the anger in his voice, knowing what was probably about to happen. "I'm sorry dad" I said to him, trying not to show signs of fear. He looked at me for another minute, as I was tensing up my body waiting for his boney knuckles to break my skin across my cheekbone. He took a step back to let me in my room, as I opened the door I felt his fist hitting against the back of my head. I felt the pain rush to every part of my body, my brain bouncing around in my skull. "Don't let it happen again!" He yelled at me and slammed my door.

I sat on my bed with all the lights off, as my body was aching in pain. My room was so filled with darkness, that the only light coming in was from the crack under the door leading to the hallway. If only I could stand up to him, if only I could do something about him, I thought to myself. "Maybe you can" a voice said to me.