My Poetry Is Not Like Yours

My best

I get stressed out and worry myself into a headache 

then I get mad and overreact, overthink 

my life is ruined, I'm a failure, I'll never be good at anything 

I think about all the people I've disappointed 

I curse the world and I hate myself to a mentally abusive level 

I could be better if I stopped being so stupid 

I could be 100 if I use my head instead of my emotions 

if I threw away what makes me human and just be perfect 

YOU know how ridiculous that sounds. Impossible. 

No one should demand that of themself or anyone else.

I shouldn't base my value on mistakes when I'm learning 

I shouldn't have to drive myself through anxiety to depression 

cutting myself off from everything I enjoy 

gaining relentless stress in turn for acknowledgement 

from someone who doesn't see that I can be amazing 

I can be strong and successful if I do what Iove 

if I feel happy and I can apply myself at the same time 

that I don't have to worry about losing respect for not getting 90% on that test because I had 4 other assignments that week and I had assignments before those that prevented me from getting ahead because I'm a slow worker and my mind isn't as fast as they think it should be so I don't fit within the standard of excellence required to make it so they patronize and blame me for not trying hard enough, not caring enough, when I did my best. 

I did my best, without losing my mind. 

I did my best, without crying all night. 

I did my best, telling myself that I believe in myself because I do better by staying positive and feeling supported. Supported, not with irrational, disloyal, and unloving expectations that limit that support.

I learned from them to scold myself before they could.

I learned from them to be too hard on myself.

I don't want to live like that anymore. 

I don't want to beat myself up, for them. 

I deserve better, I deserve love, and I deserve to live my own life. 

Maybe I'm not good at their games; I don't fit into their system. 

But that's okay, I will find my place in this world one way or another, and the sooner I accept myself the sooner I will find myself. 

If they can't accept me, they don't deserve to be a part of my life. 

I will not die trying to do Your best.

I'll do My best, and that will always be good enough.