I remembered when I wanted to feel what other girls feel like breaking the heart by some guy and cry for a guy, like that, kinda weird right? I don't why I want to feel that feeling maybe because I didn't experience it yet or I'm just curious why some girls that I knew were crying for just one stupid guy, one stupid love or 'cause I don't understand why some of my friends whose heart is broken in their love life whom I gave advices didn't listen to my advices and they get mad on me and said to me "It's easy for you to say that 'cause you didn't experience it yet." "You're saying that 'cause you don't know how it hurts." It's true that you can't understand one's feeling unless you are the one who experience it. And from those words/ sentences from my friends makes me realized that they are right I don't know about those things like the feeling of falling inlove to a guy, the feeling of being broken hearted, feeling of being cheated by someone, yes, I don't know the feeling of those things, at my age of 18 I don't experience those things yet while my friends have it, so it comes to my mind, what if I fall inlove? What if my heart will be broken because of a guy? Those questions come to my mind so one night I pray to God to let me experience those things and that prayer is a mistake.
Because of my curiosity I was hurt, I don't blame God 'cause I'm the one who wanted too, I blame myself for wanting it, and now I was hurt, so hurt that I feel like my life is no sense 'cause I don't have him, this feeling of being rejected of a guy, why you can't love me back? What she has that I don't have? Why you just can't love me? That feeling that I'm feelin' now.
I've fell to a guy whom I thought had feelings for me too, those sweet words, sweet looks, sweet smile he had, the moment that he's the only handsome guy in the world for me, I keep saying his name and my friends are irritated for it, his face, his smile is always in my mind, imagining moments that I'm with him having a date or even hanging out with him, imagining that his courting me already, playing guitar and singing for me, giving me roses or chocolates walking somewhere with him, laughing, eating ice cream, playing, dancing in the rain with him, those imagination that leads me to like him more and more until I confirmed to myself that I'm already inlove, I have this feeling of loving someone, I love him. Yes I do.
He knows that I like him, because I'm telling him through jokes, it's his decision to believe it or not, I don't know his decision for that, but his still sweet to me, we see each other at school, having chit chat with other friends we had, sometimes we're hanging out with our friends and having conversations through text if we don't see each other, those conversations that leads to fall inlove more.
One morning I woke up and decided to confess this feeling I have to him before it's too late, I was so excited to go to school to see him, I did my preparations so fast, and when I'm done I almost leave without my phone but luckily I remembered it, I go back to the house to get it and I look at the screen and I had 3 unread messages the one is from my friend and the other is from my school mate and the other one is from him, yes from him, I opened it excitedly "I'm so lucky to love by the most beautiful girl in the world.. I love you P_________! " and that message destroyed my whole humanity, I was lost in my mind the moment that I read that message from him and a big question comes to my mind, "why so fast?" it can't be. That couldn't be happening, that was just an imaginations or what, no one tells me about that, and no one says that his courting someone, I was so disappointed! And the girl that his talking is one of my schoolmates the one just texted the same with the message from him just changed some words "I'm so lucky to love by eh most handsome guy in the world.. I love you B__________!" that girl, I know her and I thought they're just friends, why so fast? Why now? I'm about to confess my feelings for him. What will I do now? I don't know what to think, I don't know if I'll believe it or not, I feel like I want to cry, I feel like my heart is breaking into pieces, it hurts inside, I don't know if I will still go to school that day or stay at home at my room and cry the whole day, but I decided to go to school, 'cause I wanted to know the truth, I wanted to know that it was not true, that they're just having fun or what, but I was more disappointed, more broken, more pain inside like it will bumps out any moment when I heard it from some of my school mates whose having chit chat at the school grounds, it's true, they're not just having fun, it's true, they are in a relationship, they're inlove to each other. Why so fast? How about me? I don't know what to do, I run to the nearest comfort room of the school and entered one of the vacant cubicles, inside I cried silently, it hurts me a lot, I want to scream but I can't, I feel like my heart is breaking crushing by someone, that feeling, so much pain I feel now, and I realized this feeling is what my broken hearted friends and other broken hearted people feels, now I know how it hurts, it really hurts, and I remembered that I pray for this, I'm such an idiot to wish this nonsense thing, I just hurt myself, and now I was hurt, so hurt that until now that one month past I can still feel the feeling whenever I see them with each other, yeah I'm still bitter, still can't accept the fact that they're happy having each other, I'm trying to move on like what my friends are keep telling me every day. I hope so 'cause I'm tired of having this pain in my heart.
