Death is sometime unexpected, sometimes planned, sometimes only one person knows. Sometimes that only person is you. In fact, I think I know now that one person is always you. We all know we are going to die some day, its an inevitability. But what I want to let everyone know is that everyone knows when they will die, maybe not the exact moment, but something inside lets you know that you're breaking and slowly unravelling. Behind removed from time and space is hard, and you will know when it is happeneing, whether you are in a plane crash, or dying of cancer, physically being erased from this earth takes its toll on your body.
Some people probably try and fight it, they blame it on being tired, or having a bad day. The fact is that deep down, in the back of your mind, in the bottom of your heart, you know your ending is coming, like the final tic-toc of an old creaking clock.
And I'm sure everyone at one point has tried to imagine what they would do if the world was ending, if today was their last day. Everyone comes up with some crazy idea, robbing banks, having sex. The funny thing about facing iminent death is how it puts everything into a new perspective. You have the sudden realisation that no money, no house, no object will miss you or change once you are gone.
The realisation makes you notice that the only things that will change when you are gone are the people around you.The cousins you haven't seen in years because you moved away will never see you again, when you said you'd catch up with an old friend but never made the time, you will never actually have the time. Ever again.
For me this meant one simple thing. I had to say goodbye. Everyone will say this is hard, no matter what situation you're in, and usually they're right. When you are doing it because you know you will die, and they can never know, you can't scare them like that. It's not like a disease where you will get better and they can help. You have to face the facts and say goodbye without them knowing.
Now I don't know how you have pictured me so far, I'm a grown man, big bloke, I have an incredible wife and two children who are my entire world. I have other family, but those are the ones that count, the ones that supported me instead of letting me down. Some distant relatives of course I called to give a chance, I hoped they would apologise for abandoning me as a child. Some of them cared and loved me, some of them didn't. I won't hold it against them.
How do I say goodbye to my wife and children though? They are my everything. They are the only people who I know love me, who I don't have to try and second guess. Both my own parents were dead, my sister was dead, so there was nothing to say goodbye to there.
Honestly, if you are ever faced up with a similar decision, just don't try too hard. Make everything normal, my biggest fear was them knowing something was wrong. I was secretive. I set up life insurance without them knowing, so although my wife doesn't work full time my kids could still have nice things. I went to visit my nieces, and left any money that I recieved from my mothers death (who had died 6 months previously) to go to them, as they had nothing as a child and I couldn't be there for them.
I spent time with my daughter and her friends on her 12th birthday, the last I would spend with her. I introduced her to scuba diving, and made the promise I would start in the summer. I knew I wouldn't make it to then, and honestly the thought of diving terrified me! I bought my son the latest games console, I remember spending so many weekends playing lego starwars with him on one of them. My wife didn't understand and I didn't want him to miss out.
I even tried to make every single one of my daughters football games, she was really good. I tried to much in and help set up the goals every week because I knew nothing about football, but I didn't want to miss out on normal Dad things, especially as all her friends Dads helped. I hoped they would help her when I wasn't there anymore.
I invested all my time and energy into making them happy, and when the night I knew it would finally happen I made sure I was out of the house, at my work desk, so the first person to find me would be the guy who served coffee.
It's the hardest thing on the planet to decide what to do when faced with this situation. Everyone knows they will die someday, but no one lives like it. The time you spent reading this you will never get back, and I know everyone knows that but no one actually realises the signicance. NO ONE will live the last five minutes again, those last five minutes have been and gone, it is completely irriversible. Each second is the last time that second will happen and that is the scariest thought I ever had to process.
I knew more specifically when I was going to die. I had a heart attack, and died at my work desk. I miss those I love with all my heart but all I can say is I know you are strong enough. I know you can make it without me, because hopefully I prepared you for that. I hope I gave you enough memories, stability and independace to go forward, because you know what?
It's hard to say goodbye.
