I have never been this nervous before. My heart is beating so fast and so hard, that it feels like it is about to jump out of my chest. After all these years of admiring her, I never thought that this day would actually come. I'm standing behind the fence that has been put up for fans to stand behind as the celebrities walks the red carpet. If you're lucky, your fave might just come and greet you.
I see her. I see Cate. She is getting closer to where I am standing and I am in complete awe. Her beauty, her elegance, her gracefulness - and oh my god, that smile. She looks absolutely magnificent. I don't even think she's human - she's an otherworldly beauty.
She's getting even closer now. I'm about to faint.
The way her hair flows in the wind, the way her hand glides smoothly as she signs autographs, the way she laughs when someone said something funny. I can't take my eyes off of her.
She's about 3 feet away from me now. I'm losing my breath.
It is kind of late in the afternoon, and the sun is about to go down. The sun is still showing and as it does so, its light lands so beautifully on her face and her pale skin, her dress is sparkling. She looks like magic. Pure magic.
She's almost in front of me now. I can't remember how to breathe.
She sees me. She's smiling. I'm trying to form words with my mouth, but nothing is coming out. Jesus. Come on, just say something - ANYTHING.
"Hi there." She says, still with that beautiful smile on her face as she takes a hold of the picture I'm holding in my hands. She's signing it. I don't know if I'm wrong or right, but it looks like she has a wondering expression on her face.
I hear that she's carefully asking me if I'm alright. Fuck. Seriously, say something. SPEAK UP.
I'm finally able to show her that I actually have a voice as I somehow manage to say, "H-hhhi C-ca-ate." Great, now I'm stuttering. I'm suddenly hearing a voice in my head saying, "This is a once in a lifetime chance. Don't blow it. Do what you need to do." And so I'm taking a deep breath, straightening my back - showing confidence. I can do this.
"Cate I love you" Darn it. I wasn't supposed to say that. Those words won't mean anything to her coming from a stranger. At least she smiled at the words. Okay, I'm trying this once again.
I look straight into her eyes and I tell her that she is beautiful. She says "thank you, sweetheart" as she is about to walk past me to continue signing autographs, but then out of reflex I say her name. It was with a higher volume than I intended, but I got her attention. She looked at me and I told her that I wanted to ask her a question. This could have made me sound like some kind of an annoying reporter, but I think she's noticing that I'm sincere. She finished signing a picture and now she's actually walking back to me. Holy mother of God.
She is standing in front of me now, looking at me, waiting for me to ask her my question - and so I do.
I'm rambling a bit and I tell her that I'm sorry that I'm shaking and seeming like I'm some kind of a crazy person - and then I ask her.
"Cate, can I give you a hug?"
She's laughing, with a huge grin on her face. It must've sounded like my life depended on it (which I felt like it did).
"Of course, sweetheart".
She leans in, wrapping her arms around my shoulders, my hands gripping her back - holding on to her for dear life. A tear is streaming down my cheek and it falls onto her shoulder. I'm holding her tightly to show her that she means a great deal to me. I'm not ready to let her go, but I know that I can't hold her forever. She looses her grip on me, releases her arms and is now facing me. She raises her hand up to my cheek and wipes away my tears with her thumb. She gives me a reassuring smile - as if she knew my struggles, telling me with the expression on her face that everything will be okay. She's now walking away as a bunch of people are calling her name. But before she was out of sight, she turned her head back to look at me and mouthed some words, "don't ever stop fighting. I believe in you".
Out of all the questions in the world, why was that question so important to me? To ask her if I could give her a hug? Why did I not only want to hug her, but why did I need it?
Because I needed to hold the world in my arms, just once.
And I did. It was a dream come true.
