Sami and I were sitting in my room. We've talked in here more times than I can count. My bedroom has gotten to be the only place I truly feel safe, especially when I'm with Sami or Heechul. My time is running out, because the baby is due within the next 2 weeks. I'm still at a loss on what to do. I'm stuck between 2 people. One I've loved for 7 years, but has hurt me so much in the past 9 months. The second man loves me unconditionally, and has for many years. He's been so patient with me and has only given me space. Sadly, I feel like I don't deserve Yesung, because I'm unsure about if I want to raise this child with him. Love isn't the issue, but it's more about who I want to build this family with. Yesung would be a terrific father, but I don't want to look back and wonder if I should have given Hyukjae the chance to be a father. Hyukjae hasn't been pressuring me to choose him, but he keeps confessing to me and trying to prove his feelings for me. He bought the crib, he helped decorate the room, and even brought me box's of baby clothes. Through all the times I've seen him, he's been nothing but sweet. It made me feel loved, and it's honestly what I've always wanted from him. But at the same time I haven't done anything, because I also have to think about Yesung in the mess. Yesung has been nothing but good to me, and the last thing I want to do is hurt him. Especially after Ryeowook called and begged me not to hurt him. Honestly I sympathize with Ryeowook a lot, because I know what it feels like to be apart of a one sided love. I know the pain, guilt, and shame that comes with being in a one sided love. I wish I could help him, but sadly I can't just make Yesung fall out of love with me and into love with him. Love doesn't work that way, and neither do human emotions in general. I then sighed as I laid down the black and white baby book with a purple, black, and white flower on it.
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I smiled as I ran my fingers over the cover.
"You're going to be a fantastic mom. I just know it. This is what you were born to do." Sami said with an excited smile.
"I'm excited to meet her, but at the same time I'm still as confused as ever." I said with a soft sigh.
"Shay, don't pressure yourself to choose between them." She warned. "Besides, I think you and I both know who holds the biggest sway over your heart."
"But he hurt me."
"It doesn't matter, Shay. Regardless of how much pain he's put you though, you still love him more. You can't tell me that your heart doesn't feel like it's going to bust out of your chest when he's near. You can't fool me, Shay. I've known you for too long to not know what you're feeling without asking you. I've learned how to read you as easy as reading a book." I then bit my lip, and before she could continue my phone rang.
"I'll be right back." I said as I picked up my phone, and stepped into the living room, while closing my bedroom door behind me. "Hello."
"Hello Jagiya." I heard Yesung speak in a sad tone.
"What's wrong? You sound upset." I asked as I plopped down on the couch.
"Shay-ah, this is without a doubt the hardest thing I've ever had to do." He said as he took a deep breath. "Shay, I think you should give Hyukjae a chance." I then felt a sharp pain in my chest, when I realized what he was talking about.
"Don't do this." I whispered.
"I have to." He whispered in a broken tone.
"Don't you want me?" I whispered as my voice broke.
"Of course I want you! But I know I can't have you in the way I want. No matter how bad I want you, we can't stay together. Sooner or later, you're going to look back and wonder what could have been. I'm doing this because I love you, not because I've fallen out of love for you." I then felt tears roll down my cheeks.
"I love you." I whimpered.
"I know that." He said with a deep sigh. "I also know you love him more. I hate being the main thing holding you back. Shay, stop worrying about how I'm going to feel. Go be happy with Hyukjae. The way you were meant to since the very beginning. I'm doing this for you. You always worry about how things will affect everyone, but yourself. Now it's time for you to be selfish. I know you love me, but sometimes love isn't always enough to hold people together." His voice then broke, which made him chuckle sadly. "Of course I know you're beating yourself up over this, because you don't want to hurt me. I know that. That's one of the things I love about you. You never think about yourself first. That's why it's so hard for you to choose. I'm not going to lie. I wish it would have been me that you loved first, but it wasn't. So now I have to do what's best for you. I have to let you go no matter how bad I want you to stay." I then heard him sob quietly. I then sniffled.
"Why do you always sacrifice your feelings for mine?" I whispered.
"Because you do it for me." He laughed half hardheartedly. "Shay-ah, I know you want him. So now I'm telling you to go after him. It's obvious that he wants you, so now you can live the life you wanted to. With Hyukjae as your boyfriend, your lover, your best friend, your child's father, and maybe one day your husband. If you ever need me, then I'll be here for you. But we will never be able to be together like we once were. If we were, then I wouldn't be able to let you go a second time."
"It's ok. I understand." I said as I sobbed.
"You may not see me for awhile. I'm going to need some time away from you, so I can heal."
"I know. I understand."
"Goodbye, Shay-ah."
"Hooney, wait!" I shouted, and I heard him sigh.
"What is it, Shay?"
"I'm sorry." I whispered.
"I know you are, Jagiya. I know you are." I then heard him snuffle. "Can I heard you say it one more time? Just say you love me one last time. That's all I ask." I then placed my hand over my heart, and clenched the spot tightly. My tears were rolling down my face, and I didn't bother to wipe them away. It's so hard to say the words to him, because it's the last time I'll ever say it in a romantic way. But after everything he's done for me this is the least I can do for him. I felt my throat grow tight as I told him I love him one last time.
"I love you." I whispered in a broken voice.
"I love you, Shay-ah. More than you will ever know. Thank you for this." He said with a snuffled. "Goodbye, Shay-ah. I wish you all the happiness in the world. You deserve it."
"You also deserve happiness, Hooney. I know Wookie loves you. Maybe you should let him help you though this hard time." I suggested weakly.
"Thank you, Shay-ah. Goodbye." He answered weakly.
"Goodbye, Jonghoon." After the line went dead I laid over on the couch, and clutched a pillow as I sobbed violently. Moments later I felt myself drift off to sleep, while tears continued to flow from my eyes.
Hey guys! I hope you enjoyed this! Leave me a comment to let me know how I am doing! Stay strong my beautiful readers, keep dreaming, I love you all, and I will update soon.-Coolcat51
