Scars

Middle Age

Chap.21 (Grandmother at 39)

Approximately six months later she informed me that she was pregnant. I had such dreams and high hopes for her, and I felt like she had cut her life short. She had thrown away a full scholarship to West Virginia University to play Softball which was what Amber and her best friend Ashley Fulaytor had always planned on doing.

Faith Angel Mariah Floyd, the love of my life was born on September 20, 2000. There were complications with her being so young, but the pregnancy went relatively well until the end when toxemia set in and Amber was hospitalized and induced about a month early. Angel was around six pounds and as pretty as picture.

I wrote this poem for her. When you came into this world, undoubtedly in a hurry. My anxious prayers were answered, no more need to worry. Daddy was not surprised as he knew you were a "she".

Mommy couldn't believe you weighed a healthy six-pound three! On that chilly Wednesday, Sun shining with skies so blue. I felt blessed to have a granddaughter as beautiful as you. My "Angel Mariah" your life has just begun. A little ray of sunshine and so loved by everyone.

From the first time, I held you, cradled in my arms so sweet. You stole my heart away and have made my life complete. A perfect little granddaughter, a gift from heaven above. My eyes just filled with tears and my heart so full of love. You were only three days old when I was bathing you. I was a little clumsy as your mommy looked on and laughed. Though during those precious moments turning to look my way. You were so intent with listening to all I had to say. I think of you every minute and although we are miles apart. Your picture on my computer sure does melt my heart. With the face of little angel so pretty with soft blonde hair. Every night before I close my eyes, I say a little prayer. Your growing up so quickly, with ideas of your own. Not matching mine or moms with lessons you must learn on your own.

I will always be your Mammal and will always hold you, dear. My precious little Angel, I hope my prayers you hear.

Angel was born on September 20, 2000, and Amber turned eighteen on November the 3rd of that year.

Naming her daughter after her twin sister was so special to me. Faith Angel Mariah was a beautiful name. Amber and Todd got a house and he was working regularly but I just felt like she was not living up to her potential. Even though I loved that little girl with all my heart I felt like she was born at the wrong time or too soon but only God sees that future. It seems that I am always trying to put God in a box that I designed, only bringing him out when it's my idea or when I need him to do something for me. I tried to fit God into the walls in my finite mind. I try to pull him down, so I can see eye to eye with him. [It seems that I am always forgetting that he is the king of the world? I continue to try and snatch control back away from him. How could I make you so small God when you're the one who created and controls everything? I have always known just a whisper of your voice is calming to the raging seas inside of me. Still, I continue to run ahead and think I'm strong enough to be in charge. When you're the one who made me from the dust. Jesus, you are the king of the world and the king and lord of my life].

Chap 22, Delbert Floyd Jr (Sonny)

Delbert Floyd Jr (Sonny) was the first man that I really and truly loved and understood what loving someone truly meant. I believed that he felt the same way about me. Two years later he just switched off and hurt me in ways that I felt were unimaginable at the height of your mutual love. Six months after he proposed to me that Christmas Eve in 2001. I walked through my days, zombie-like. All I could do was review the exchanges over and over in my mind. Where did it go wrong or fail to go right? What should I have done that I didn't? What did I do that I shouldn't have? The perseveration drove me crazy. I didn't eat, I didn't sleep. I was a weepy mess. I felt rejected and less than a human being. I felt as if something was wrong with me. I was always wondering what I could do to make him come back to me. Then he started seeing someone else and she was extremely ugly, heavy and looked more like a man than women. She was in no way nearly as attractive or smart or intuitive as I was or, so I was told. He was enthralled with someone who didn't even come close to me. I had completely convinced myself that he had traded down, and I didn't understand why.