The Brokenhearted Playlist

To The Man I've Loved Before (part 2)

continuation of To The Man I've Loved Before (Short Story)

As years passed by, there were no gifts, no warm hugs and playing around outside our house anymore. I had three miscarriages already. The first time, we were so devastated and there came the second time and the third time, you had put all the blame on me for not taking care of the baby. The resentment over the years had piled up. I tried to understand you, maybe it was true and maybe it was really my fault because I still can't give you a child. I thought you'd be there for me, despite of what happened. We even exchanged our vows, it was for better or for worse, remember? I just can't believe how fast you've changed from that warm lovely man I've loved and married, into the coldest man alive.

     Why did you have to change so much? I missed the old you and now, I think I finally have the chance to bring the old you back. I waited for you to come home--for Christmas eve but you didn't, I was expecting a knock on the door but there was only silence. I even tried calling you almost a hundred times but you're not answering. I left you voice mails. I tried calling you once again, that one last chance for you to pick up the phone, but you turned it off. I don't even have the appetite to eat anymore. I just stared at all the food I have prepared. I was staring at it for far too long. I didn't realize that my tears were welling up. A tear fell down my cheek, and then there was another one, refusing to just stay inside my eyes. Then I broke down in tears. I was practically shivering with the cold despite of the warmth of the fireplace. I was so tired from all the crying but I still managed to go to our bedroom. I went inside and I felt its coldness. It felt so empty. I opened the closet to get your favorite shirt and I just lay there in our bed while hugging the pillow, with your shirt as my pillow case. It smells just like you. I cried myself to sleep again that night.

The next day, you surprised me once again...

but this time, it was not a heart-shaped chocolate tin box nor a very large pink teddy bear. It was a note. You left me a note at our bedside table. That one simple handwritten note saying:

Dear A,

   I'm sorry but I just can't do this anymore. I still love you. I really do but it's not the same like it was before. I don't know why you can't quit your vices. You know that it was for the sake of our baby that time. Things have changed now, I don't want to keep lying to you. For now, I really want us to be free from the pain. Please understand me. I hope that you'd forgive me someday.

                                                                                                                                                        -H

     That note was the last straw. Why do you have to leave me now? Now that we'll finally have our baby, again? Why can't you just give me another chance for us to be a family? Why?

    You left me like it was the easiest thing to do. I should have known what's going to happen.

    I'm sorry. I really wanted to do better, to make sure that our baby will be born healthy but all that we had left now was a broken wedding picture frame. Our house will never be the same anymore, there were shattered bottles of whiskey and wine scattered all over the floor and a faint smell of cigarettes in the air.

    Months had passed, I managed to slowly quit my vices and my baby bump was showing now. The doctor said that she will be a healthy baby and that I just have to be very careful due to my past pregnancy records, and now that's the reason why I fight everyday for survival. I'll face this tough battle without you. I want her to live. She's the light of my life, now after you've left me all alone to pick up all the broken pieces. I don't wanna be miserable, although I terribly missed you. Then I saw you with her, you're with another woman, that's what I've heard from other people. You didn't see me but I saw you, I hid from the bushes and saw how you were so happy with her, just like how it was with me. I heard some rumors that she was pregnant too. I had the urge to show up in front of you and to fight for the right of our baby so that I could give her a normal family, but I knew better, it won't do me any good at all.

     I went home with a heavy heart, the pain is just so overwhelming. I can't just ignore it at all, my heart was already broken into tiny million pieces, I thought it wouldn't be broken into so much more. I just cried and cried while I was curled up in bed. I didn't even  remember how I fell asleep.

It was already morning, when I woke up with the sound of the doorbell ringing and your voice calling out my name, that's the time when I saw you again, you're waiting for me to open the door. I opened it, and I saw the divorce papers in your hands , you brought it for me to sign on.

I wasn't surprised at all, but it was not the same for you, you were not prepared to see me with my 7-month-old-pregnant self. 'Why didn't you tell me?' you asked me with that low voice full of regret, shame, and sadness.

'It's because I don't want to bother you anymore.' I said and I looked down. I was on the verge of crying but I fought it. I don't want to look even more pathetic in front of you.

'But still, you should have told me.' And as you said that, I didn't realize that I was holding in my breath. I don't want to look you in the eye, I just looked down and tried to just look at your lips or your nose so that I won't see what you were really feeling.

I took the papers from you and I tried to close the door, but you stopped me. 'Please, Alice. Please give me a chance to get to know our child.'

'Our child? After you've left us, you no longer have the right to be the father of my baby. Please. Just leave. Don't hurt us anymore. You've done enough hurting me.'

**to be continued**