HEART ACHE <3 REDDIE

chap 29: shut doors

Eddie

"The way you two are acting is ridiculous." Stan groaned, nearly walking on my heels. I wanted to yell at him. To scream "I didn't ask for your input, bird boy!" but I didn't.

"Yeah, yeah, just take me home." I yanked his passenger door open. I was exhausted. My eyes were dry. My skin was dry. My legs hurt. I needed a nap and I had been using my inhaler since second period like I was a chimney and it was the smoke.

"Eddie, you love him and you know it." Stan sighed.

I ignored him. I didn't speak up the entire ride. I just watched out my window. I was in the wrong but I wasn't going to admit that because Richie was with Jane and who was I to jeopardize his happiness?

"Do you wanna go get ice cream?" Stan made an attempt to strike up conversation again.

"No. I don't have any money."

"I'll pay."

"Stan, I'm tired. Just take me home."

"You're not tired, you're depressed." Stan deadpanned. I turned to look at him to see him gripping the steering wheel tightly, his eyes fixed on the road in front of us. I knew he felt me staring at him but refused to make eye contact.

"I'm fine," I reassured. Which was a big fat lie. I wasn't. I was entirely broken and hateful of myself. My emotions felt like a furnace that was waiting to heat up and over blow because of my own actions and words.

Stan took me home, reluctantly.

"Hi Eddie bear. How was school?" My mom cooed from her normal spot in the living room. Big woman, evil woman.

"Good, mommy," I strained a smile as I sludged past her to my room, shutting the door, which my mom hated.

Shut doors are for naughty boys doing things they shouldn't be doing, Eddie. They're for doing things that little boys don't want their mommies to know about.

I was doing something I didn't want my mom to know about. Crying. Profusely sobbing into my pillow, muffling my sobs and whimpers as snot and tears stained my pillow.

Look at you. You're 18. You're miserable. Stupid boy. You'll never be a doctor. You'll never move away from Derry. You'll never be with Richie and for that you'll never be happy. You know it, wheezy.

It was right, and I hated to even think it. I wanted to vomit and go be held by Richie all at once but I kept repeating one thing in my mind over and over.

Don't you dare get in the way of his happiness, wheezy. You're stupid if you do. If you do then maggots will crawl in your ears while you're sleeping and eat your brain.

Good. I wouldn't be able to think of Richie then.

And I would've paid real money to never think of that Tozier boy again.