i'm surrounded by a haze.
not a physical one, no. it's just something that materialises in my mind often.
but it still has the characteristics of one. it chokes me, it makes me feel confused, it makes my eyes tear up. I would still be trying to function as per normal, but this haze hinders my ability to think clearly which makes it hard to even do so. my thoughts would come and vanish within a few metres, I can't seem to hit a bullseye, and my dreams would seem farther than they seem to be. eventually, I give up. it's because I'm uncertain, I can't see where I'm going, it's always the unknown. I would try and claw at the things that vaguely seem like what I desire, but when I come close enough to them, I realise that it's not really what I have perceived them to be.
the same thing goes with friendships. in this haze, some people are standing closer to me, and some are further out. the people closest to me are those I find truly beautiful, because I can see each and every one of their features. they are the certain ones in my life. i can see that they're smiling at me, laughing with me, nodding at everything is say, and it's really reassuring. despite this, I find myself admiring those people out in the haze, their seemingly outstretched arm helping a damsel in distress, and it's attractive. I want them. I'd stray outside my circle for a while, squinting my eyes and swatting the haze away with my hands, but when I reach them, their hand grasps a pocketknife too small for my eye to see from afar, yet able to kill in one swift motion. I stand horrified at the sight I've witnessed, they just killed someone. they turn to me, a Cheshire cat grin the only thing I see, and I run blindly. I was deceived, and now I've lost sight of my once closest friends. I'm lost.
and this smoke, this haze, this translucent sheet, it's perpetual. sometimes a wind picks up, and some of it clears. I'm able to focus on the task at hand, but its presence is too overwhelming that it suddenly fills up what little I have of fresh air. it gets too thick, and it suffocates me. I cry.
I still do see light. hope, comfort, an area of refuge, a guide, whatever it is. but this haze, this fucking haze. it won't allow me to pinpoint its source, or at least guide me in a direction. hell, it makes my light look like it's coming from everywhere, leaving me overwhelmed at which path I should take.
the only time I can see clearly is when I look down at my feet, look down upon myself, when I scrutinise myself. I seem to see all my faults as clear as daylight, and so that's what I focus on. because I can't see anything else. it's really a lonely world out here.
