As the water follows the moon

13 (English version)

Unknown You, Unknown You,

are You the love I am looking for?

Since God had appeared in Teddy's life, he didn't long for new acquaintances and relations any more. He didn't need to fall in love because his heart was overfilled with the purest love to God, Jesus Christ and Blessed Mary. But still he was a man...

Looking at a beautiful girl in a book shop, at first Teddy didn't feel anything special, but usual interest that any young man could feel for any attractive young lady. But when she chose the same book he had chosen, at last he heard that ringing in his ears. This was no usual girl and this was no usual meeting – everything around him just shouted about it, deafening him and not letting him listen to the voice of this beautiful stranger. Teddy understood already that he couldn't let her go. It's been several minutes since their acquaintance, and he already could see them together. This picture was perfect, and his heart was beating very fast.

At the same time after everything, that had happened to him lately, he didn't want to hurry or push Catarina. He was just drifting, but it all turned out to be so simple. God, who had directed Teddy to Catarina with the goal, only he knew about, obviously contributed to their relations. Apparently he knew that this girl would make Teddy happy. Or may be from the very start she had another predestination. Anyway very soon Teddy became very much attached to Catarina.

This was not the love that he has already felt before – no shallow feeling, as it used to be long ago and no passion, drying up the soul, as it was with Julia. This was a very mature feeling – the love based on friendship and trust. And also Catarina understood him - that was the most important.

For the first time in his life the girl shared his interests and views and respected everything that was so dear to him. And even if Catarina wasn't religious, she has easily accepted this side of his life. She was not jealous of his fans, didn't make scenes and actually behaved as if Teddy was some ordinary young man. With Catarina he felt loved not only for his ability to sing with a microphone. It seemed that he had wanted relationship like this his whole life.

But euphoria did not last for long. He understood that after his suicide attempt he stopped being a fully normal person. He didn't tell anybody about it, but realizing of his own inferiority depressed a lot. Teddy supposed he wasn't worthy of happiness and love because of it. How could such a brilliant girl as Catarina waste her precious time with him?

Surely any psychiatrist learning his story would say, that the guy was just afraid, and Teddy wouldn't deny it. He really was terribly scared that everything would end up with nothing, as it had already happened before. And although Catarina was not like his other girl-friends and behaved differently, he still was afraid of failure. Each day he prayed and asked God to give that wonderful girl real happiness.

- I don't know if she is happy with me, Lord, - he whispered during his night watch when anxious thoughts wouldn't let him sleep. – I may be not the person she's been dreaming of. In that case I don't want to keep her near. Perhaps somebody else would love her better while my soul was damaged and is not able for a feeling strong enough...

Almost a year passed since Teddy and Catarina had met and their relations were getting stronger each day. Surely she was making plans for future life together while he was beginning to understand that there was no future for them. As it turned out the love to a woman was not able to cure his soul but the love to God apparently could have done it; that's why doubting and hesitating Teddy chose God.

Lord has been calling Teddy for a long time and he was responding but obviously that was not enough. To get rid of all the doubts concerning his belief and to receive the answers for his difficult questions he needed to change his life again. Teddy knew that he would have to leave this mundane fuss and fully dedicate himself to religion. He had to go away.

He didn't call it an escape. The worm of discontent - his eternal enemy – has appeared from somewhere again and came back to its favorite occupation – it gnawed Teddy's soul again. And he understood that if it would last it would end up with something bad.

He couldn't take courage for a long time to tell everything to Catarina and he also couldn't find the right words. Several times he tried to begin this conversation but then delayed it "till better times". And at last they came.

Catarina startled Teddy with her reaction to his words about his wish to become a monk. She seemed to be prepared to it (and may be it was so?) because she stayed passionless.

- If you really want it and suppose that it will make you happy, you should go! – she said after a minute of silence and Teddy convulsively swallowed. He expected at least tears and reproaches. Catarina never reproached him but this was just too much. It seemed that she was pushing him to go now and Teddy felt that his resolution lessened...

- Yes, I really want it, - nevertheless he said. – I always knew that it would happen. I'd love to stay here with you, but...I have to go away to be myself. I realized my decision. I hope you will understand me...

- Of course! – Catarina gave him the sweetest smile and, seeing it, Teddy felt the reluctance to ever leave his girlfriend at all. Besides, he understood that all his fears, concerning their relations and her feelings, were so stupid. How could he even for a second hesitate and think, that this girl might betray him? The sincerity of her feelings was astonishing. Catarina thought that Teddy was not happy enough with her and send him to a better place. This was a purest love without egoism. Such love that many people wait for their whole lives. The love that Teddy was looking for, but didn't hope to come across with.

He wanted so much to put his arms around Catarina, kiss her, say, that it was just a joke, and never let her go! But now it was impossible. Teddy has made his choice.

Catarina apparently felt his hesitation and raised her eyes full of light belief but Teddy took his glance away. He didn't want to give the girl false hopes and lie to himself. He has done it often enough lately.

- I will love you forever, - he said quietly and turned away so she couldn't see too much shining in his eyes. – Just remember it, will you?