As the water follows the moon

14 (English version)

I denied the truth that was written in my heart

I demanded proof before my faith could really start

Could Catarina, some time ago intensively but still hypothetically thinking about the possibility of leaving everything for becoming a nun, suppose that within three years she would be seriously considering it?

This way has always been in front of her – straight and calling. Teddy has shown it to her a long ago, but in contrast to him the girl was never sure that she's been born to serve God. She was just helping people and she liked it but now she felt that it was not enough. And if at first Catarina thought that, using religion for being closer to Teddy, she could lie to herself and to God also, after some time she realized that her ex-beloved wasn't the only reason. Catarina finally has let Lord to her heart.

But why did it take her so long to believe? The answers to these questions were lying upon the clear surface of her soul lake.

Catarina did not want to confess even to herself, that she wouldn't accept God because she was offended with him for taking Teddy away from her. So it was in the very beginning. Nevertheless this stupid childish offence soon was gone but the new obstacle appeared.

Now the young woman, admiring Teddy, his flawless behavior, the strength of his spirit and his self-sacrifice, just couldn't see God behind this image, constantly standing before her eyes. Teddy has become the god for her and she was ready to pray him, set her hopes on him and in her hour of need and soul weakness she searched consolation in him. But how could this happen? Why did she, who has never been a fanatic, make herself an idol that over-shadowed everything else in her life?

Having realized this Catarina understood that she was wrong again. Nevertheless she has learned her lesson. Teddy was a good teacher and although she stopped considering him a saint, still she decided to follow his words and advice. "I have to go away to be myself", - he said. Thinking about it and moving in the shown direction, Catarina entered a theological seminary and began studying religion from the very beginning. Like Teddy, she's also had many questions and doubts and was hoping to solve at least half of them before coming to the next step. And it was really serious.

It seemed that Catarina at last made the right choice. She liked everything that was happening to her ever since. She felt peace in her soul. The only thing still bothering her was Teddy-monk's happiness. Catarina had to make sure he felt good, had everything he wished for and didn't regret his decision.

She began following him. Finding out in advance where Teddy and the brothers from his community were going to perform, Catarina was planning her route.

She didn't want him to notice her and she was very careful. She looked from the outside, silently admiring his voice that has become softer and stronger at the same time and sounded so clearly that she wanted to cry each time she heard it. Catarina still felt spellbound by this man and during his performances she forgot about everything.

He sang about his love to Lord with such a passion that the girl at last felt the same. This feeling, that was growing stronger in her heart with every day, finally helped her to make a decision. Besides, Teddy seemed to be really happy. His eyes were full of heavenly light and peace and he smiled all the time – the way that angels, whose faces she saw on the church walls, smiled. Observing this, Catarina felt happy too. There were so many exciting discoveries before her! Teddy was swimming in God's love already and she was also going to learn its power and depth.

At last Catarina understood, that the time has come for her to leave him alone, let go the feelings that she's been holding on for so long. Intentionally she delayed this moment, telling herself, that she still was not sure Teddy was completely satisfied with his life being a monk, but it was time she stopped lying to herself. In addition this time he saw her and she understood that he recognized her. May be she wanted this – for him to see at last, that she's been so close to him, that she's been following him like a crazy fan unable to calm down with years. But what could that bring to them both?

Catarina knew that the strength would immediately leave her, when Teddy would come closer then ten meters to her. From one hand that was her greatest desire – to see him, to talk to him, listen to him and just watch him but the consequences of such a meeting were too scary for her. Surely he, happy with his belief, has forgotten her a long time ago but she still trembled thinking of him...Thus in order that she may not betray herself and her decision, Catarina, swallowing unshed tears, made herself go away. Her heart was bursting but the girl overcame herself. At that moment everything was finished and the last threads connected her to Teddy Reily, were torn. Catarina entered a new life with a hope to become even closer to him – to be his sister in Christ.