Heroes are safe for work - a Breddy fanfiction

Heroes are safe for work (Dumbledore's not anyway)

Some day, during autumn 2019, in some studio in Brisbane, Australia

"Listen bro, stop worrying. You'll find your love of your life. And I'm not talking about an alien, even if... Just joking, just joking! Hey, let's be serious for one minute. You're smart, you're good-looking, you're a great violinist. I'm sure- no, I know there's someone out there waiting for you to show up in their life and make it all great and lovely and stuff. And you'll both live happily ever after. I really believe everybody has a kind of soulmate, or a perfect ''fitting'' person, 'know what I mean?"

"I'm not following you there mate, I don't... I don't think things are going to turn that way for me."

"But why? You keep saying that, but I honestly don't understand why you're so pessimistic. Maybe this person is in the city, or the very neighbourhood, maybe you already know them!"

"Bro, honestly, you're still single too, what are you talking about?"

"I'm single and so what? That's not a big deal. It's not like I was unhappy! My life is great and I kind of think the universe has still plenty of nice surprises to offer me. And if it doesn't want to give me new opportunities, then I'll look for them! I'll be the hero of my own tale."

"That's so cheesy, bro."

"I know, I know... But I'm pretty sure thinking this way is the only way to make good stuff happen, ya know? Don't dream your life dude, live your dreams."

"Did you just read this on some philosophical Instagram account?"

"Maybe... But that's not the point. Don't you think it could be real? Don't you feel like being the hero of your own story?"

"Yeah well... No, that's not the way I feel."

"But why?"

"You really wanna know why?"

____________________________________________

Because it does not work this way. Because life is not a novel. Life is not a tale. Life has no fantasy, no happy end, no deus ex machina. Life is not full of surprises.

Life is true. It's heavy, loud and... and muddy. It's freaking real and concrete... palpable. It doesn't work the way novels work. You cannot escape it.

Life is not a novel.

Love is not a novel.

I mean, statistically speaking, one-sided love happens so much more in real life. Heroes don't get rejected.

Heroes don't cry their eyes out because of a stupid love story.

Heroes don't keep having wet dreams about a guy they've known for years. They control their mind, or they are possessed by Voldemort, which is not very sexy.

Heroes don't fucking feel the urge to masturbate after sharing a long and very appropriate hug. Heroes don't masturbate at all actually. They're either sex gods or virgin nice dudes. Or both. But they do not have time for this "self-sex-care" thing.

Heroes are safe for work. They do not picture their friends going out the bathroom wearing a hiding-just-what-needs-to-be-hidden-and-showing-everything-else-towel. Or maybe they do? If so, they either save it for later or forget it because they need to save the world. Their body does not react without their permission.

Heroes don't like guys. Heroines do, however. And they live happily ever after, thank you Hermione Granger, Arwen, Elizabeth Bennett and... stupid Ana-fucking-stasia Steele. You're not helping me right now, girls.