Sometimes I'd like to think I have only one thing
something within me, just one, that tears me apart.
It makes me feel better--sick as it sounds--
but to just have ONE, one little thing that kills you slowly?
Just thinking about it makes my heart sing,
even if it's only a little.
But truth is that 'one' is not an option,
everywhere I look a new one appears.
It's like they're waiting to pop out, to reveal themselves...
like some kind of sick surprise party
all along they've been waiting here for me.
The gifts they have are rotten from the inside out
blessed curses to give caution to a mind already burdened by police tape.
Ok. So I have many. But lots of people do.
There's no reason to believe I'm the only shade of blue in this gray world.
I know other people have to be hurting, fearing, too.
But whether it's these glasses I put on or my blind eyes fading out,
but everytime I look around to see another blue, it's gone and I'm filled with doubt.
What if it's me? What if I'M the cause?
Of my own fears in my tattering life--the result and the start of my flaws?
God having just one would be nice.
Just one that could even cling to my back like a knife attack!
because at this rate I have them digging in all over,
burrowing deeper by the day, like leaches who've grown hardened shells that won't crack..
I just want to let go, but when I try they come back.
hide in my mind like a dark room and when you peek they bring you back in the tomb,
screaming "surprise!" as they clobber you,
telling lies that lead you to your doom...
The books, they make it look so easy to move on. To let go.
To be a good girl or boy and be strong.
But what is strength anyway? Is it measured by foolhardy grit?
Because I thought courage, without fear, could not exist.
But maybe I'm crazy. If I'm am it's because of them.
So numerous, so clustered, they suffocate me faster than CO2.
So, forgive me if I laugh,
wheezing for breath when you ask
what is my
"One True Fear."
