Stole My Love

one

 "You can let go, Molly," I whispered, her fragile body pressed against mine in that small hospital bed. She took a deep breathe, the first deep breathe she had taken in months. Maybe it wasn't a deep breath. I was too sleep deprived to be sure. 

But then she opened her mouth and said something. Her voice was quiet nothing above a whisper as she mumbled,"I love you." 

I went to say it back but was interrupted by the beeping of her heart monitor. It took two fast beeps before stopping completely. The nurses rushed in and pulled me away from her. 

"I love you too! I love you so much baby girl!" I yelled as they pushed me out of the room. I hoped to God she had heard me. 

They were in the room for an hour, trying everything they could to save her. Bring her back. It wasn't until 7:29 that they came out and told me she was gone. 

I jump up, shaking furiously. 

"What, what is it?" Ryan, my little brother who was sitting next to me, asks as he looks over at me with fear in his eyes.

"The dream," I mumble. After... the incident... the band decided to take a break, giving not only all of us, but the fans as well, time to recover. It took longer than they expected. A whole year. We're supposed to meet up to discuss our come back this weekend. The whole decision rests on my shoulders. Whether I'm well enough to be back on all the band roll. I'm going to say yes. I've said no for the past year. It's time to say yes, even if I'm not ready. 

"Where's my necklace?" I ask, suddenly feeling the absence of the gold chain I wear around my neck everyday. Ryan looks around before picking up the necklace from the dresser. 

"You took it off last night," He reminds me. I don't remember that. I don't remember much. I run my finger of the purple diamond. The diamond made from her ashes. She lives on my neck. She lives in this necklace. 

"Do you want lunch?" He asks. I look at the time. It was already 2 pm. I slept through most of the day again. I don't sleep at night. They don't know that. I shake my head to answer his question and grab my phone off the counter. I open instagram and scroll through my feed. I click on the hashtag ripmolly.  The first thing I see is a fan edit of photos of me and her. 

I'm gonna love you forever

That's just my curse it's whatever.

I like it and keep scrolling. Countless sad songs playing in the back of all the edits. Countless photos and memories that would never leave my mind. 

I'm in pain. 

Wanna put 10 shots in brain. 

I been tripping bout some things can't change.

Home. 

A place where I can go

To take this off my shoulders

someone take me home

And now the day bleeds

Into nightfall

And you're not here to get me through it all 

Little do you know

How I'm breaking while you fall asleep

Little do you know 

I'm still haunted by the memories

Never planned that one day I'd be losing you

In another life

I would be your girl

We'd keep all our promises 

Be us against the world

In another life

I would make you stay

There's one I see every time I do my daily scrolling. It's a song with an audio recording over it. The audio recording was found on Molly's phone by her mom who sent me the audio and I decided to put it out there, for the world to hear. I close out of Instagram and go into my Voice Memos. I click on "Last Words" 

"Hi Zachiiiiii! I miss you! You're on tour right now and I'm wearing your hoodie. It still smells like you. Come home soon baby! I miss you! And have fun on tour! I love you baby boy! Oh shit, I didn't say that! Ahhhhhh how do I delete this. I don't want him to think I'm a weirdo it's too early for that." 

I'm sitting in bed listening to that audio on repeat until 12 AM. Ryan, Reese, and my parents come in the check on me every hour, making sure I'm still.... breathing? At 12:30 my mom comes in and lays in bed with me. She does this every night. I pretend to sleep and listen as she mumbles sweet things to me. She wraps her arms around me and kisses the top of my head. 

"I know it's hard, Sweet Boy. It'll get easier though, I promise. I know I've never met her, but I do know she wouldn't want you this torn up over her. She'd want you to be happy. And you will. You just need to start moving in that direction. You can't stay in bed forever. We miss you." She continues to talk but I block her out. I close my eyes and think back. 

I think of all the nights I fell asleep on the phone with Molly. All the play fights and wrestling matches. All the 3 AM conversations. 

But amid all the happy thoughts, the thought that I'll never kiss her or touch her or see her again comes through. The image of her body in that casket. Her parents crying. And I spiral again. Sobbing into a pillow trying to keep myself quiet, not wanting my mom to come back in since she had just left. 

I'm tired of this cycle. I think of the good things, good memories. And then I think of the fact she's gone. And all my progress to getting better goes down and I spiral again. I want to get better. But I don't think I'll get better. Not without her. 

----

First chapter kinda sucks. But it will get better! Thank you for reading :)