It's been years, hasn't it? It's been years since I last saw your smile. Since I last heard your 'good night'. Years that went by without you by my side, years with you clouding out my mind. Years that I thought will wash away all of your memories, but only a scrape of it that gone, everything was still here.
I saw you, I finally saw you there. I missed you. God, I didn't know I miss you this bad. Your smile was still the same, the crescent shape that I used to love. Your bright eyes shone like pain never touched it before. Your voice was slightly deeper, mature, but it has the equal glee that it used to have.
You greeted me first. You remembered me. My heart soared high, like the burden that I carry my whole life was lifted momentarily. You asked me those how are yous people usually do when they saw someone for the first time in a long time. You asked me how was my life since you weren't there to witness it. You asked me as if I was the person who never mattered to you. Because if you did, you won't even talk to me like that, not with those small talks that we hated the most.
My lips were smiling, but my heart was not. You didn't notice or you prefer not to. It was okay. I was okay, or so I thought.
The memories of us were flooding my head, painfully drowning my sanity. The memories when we first met. Your bright shining eyes lighted up my dark path, gave me new hope, offered me a new smile. You were my sunshine, once. You were my solace. I grew attached to your beautiful laughter and your warm embrace.
You painted my blank, sorrowful canvas with your colourful paints. You painted it with the colours that I never knew existed, the colours that only you had. You stared at me like I was something more than a mere mortal, the weak, spiteful creature that I sincerely hated. You loved me, you made me loved myself, you made me loved you.
It was like a fairytale when everything was happy as the ending came. Like a fairytale, where everything couldn't shatter us and what we had. Like anything can't drive us apart. But like every fairy tale that I knew, they were never real.
I can't, or rather didn't want to, remember that part. I don't want to remember how we were slipping out of each other's grasps. Slow but steady, like the fading colour of our shirt, unnoticeable but suddenly we knew that the colour wasn't the same as it used to be. Just like those times, we made love endlessly but as time goes by, the passion slowly fading out.
Those sweet words, waves of laughter and vibrant colours of the paints slowly lose their charms. It became bland, bitter even. The 'I love yous' were replaced by the simple 'byes', kisses replaced by the bitter smiles. The bickering had changed into fighting, the whispering into shouting. We were simply fading, withering.
We knew, but we tried to ignore. Hanging simply on the belief that we'll be better soon, that we can understand each other again. But we didn't.
We sat in deafening silence, only the clock dared to shout. We knew the conclusion of it all, the next step that we had to take. But we were cowards, betting against each other to speak up first. The breath that we unconsciously holding, our rigid bodies against the cold iron chair and the lump in our throats we involuntarily bear, were silently yelling our answer.
You spoke up first. Your shaky voice echoed in my ears. I saw you in pain, but I do too. You finally said it, you exhaled loudly. We were in pain, but we were relieved. This was what we wanted, wasn't it? Yes, we agreed on it. You left that day. I told myself that this was the best, that it will be okay, soon I will be. I buried 'us', or rather hide it, in the corner of my mind.
We were jaded, worn out. We grew out of love, and that's okay. I was, trying to be, happy. I tried to find someone new. But I always end up comparing them to you. It was later that I realized, you were the best I ever had. 'If only's started to flood my head whenever the thoughts came. If only I loved harder, if only I stood firmer, if only I was braver, would you stay? It was unfruitful, of course. You were long gone. I let you go. We let each other drift away. I've moved on, so I thought I had.
Now, you smiled as beautiful as ever. The pain that I caused was faded. You still had the love in you, but it wasn't for me anymore. You proudly announced to the whole world that you had a new universe, a new love.
But it wasn't me.
In a way, I was glad. The guilt of causing you that pain had disappeared. You are happy, and I should be happy too. A smile masked the stung in my heart.
Thank you. Thank you for the time that you took to crush my walls, for the colours that you painted on my canvas, for the love that you poured in my empty glass.
"Goodbye."
Your last word was all that I need to heal. We smiled, a sincere smile to finally let go from the painful past.
***
A/N
I just need to get it off my chest, oh, more than you know... oh more than you know.. 🎤🎤
Right, forget I ever sang that song. I'll occasionally post a one-shot here. I wrote this just to release a pent-up feeling or whatever. This one was inspired by some sad songs that I listened to nowadays. Sorry to waste your time.
*bow*
~Kasz
