I've spent a long time neglecting my feelings.
I have so many regrets, I have so many more risks I wish I'd taken,
I wish I voiced things easier, I wish I could explain
things to you at least in a way that made sense, or in a way that matters.
Or to anyone really.
Even myself.
I don't get it,
I'd love to say I know what it is but I don't
I don't like this sensation. A sensation we as humans normally yearn for, a sensation I'm lucky enough to feel. I wish I could cut off it's mocking existence from my brain, and throw it in a ditch so that way I could watch it rot.
Still I live for this sensation
But I can't do that.
The cut off to this sensation is that of apathy, that of shoving off those you care about til you're left with nothing but a memory.
Memories of childish glee, memories of feelings too
complex for a child to understand.
Feelings too complex for humanity to understand.
Feelings that are mocked teased, exposed disproved,
feelings that are prejudice. Feelings we all feel?
Yet we still shun other people for experiencing what we do in different ways.
I loathe them, I wish nothing more to eradicate them. But I can't
When i was found caught in a momentary bliss I didn't want to.
I want to remove myself from this.
I feel like shit everyday for it, always anxious, always
wondering, asking for answers to all the questions I'll never have.
I can push it off, I can push it so far away it winds up on the interstate, where it's flown astray, it's mutilated corpse of distant memories and dissonant feelings , laying in the rubble. Long forgotten by its owner, the driver the only being left to wonder and stumble in confusion of the happenings he will never see the answers to.
He asks for the answers I dont want to give.
While I'm begging him for answers I don't have the strength to even voice.
Irony is the fate that the moment I were to open my mouth, the answers to both are questions would be met.
He would hear what he's asked for for years, and I would be horrified, awaiting his response as I'm left to tremble and shake.
I tried to say it once, I wasn't strong enough to voice it.
Words fail when you wish they wouldn't,
I think about years of shitty memories and thoughts, I think about all the times I've done something weird or shitty and I cringe in on myself, repulsed by my actions, worried out of fear for actions that are childish for others possessing no harm.
They aren't malicious.
They are of kindness intent, I don't understand me and malice.
I express most discomfort when I am, expressing any sort of kindness or affection. I can belittle I can scream I can insult, I can worry others and feel nothing.
I say one gentle thing and my heart shakes, my body trembles and I feel the need to leave.
I have to convince myself I'm normal in these understandings but I know I'm not.
It would be easy to abandon the root of my problems and fill a void in desperation again. But I wasn't strong enough to do that once, let alone twice.
I'd drive by that corpse on the side of the road everyday for years.
Struck in repressing memories that seem so fond, that will never not bring me joy, and just praying something would happen to taint them and ease me of this pain.
They make me sad. I want to look back on them and laugh and smile as I did in what seems like distant dreams.
But I know myself and I know I've felt alive every time I've expressed those shared moments. I know how I felt and I would give anything to feel like that forever.
I feel like I could feel like that forever
That is left in the dark and I don't know what it means,
I just know I'm attached to it
I don't know how to explain it aside from feeling like you're on top of the world.
