Writers block

11.14.18

1 year.

You'd be be 6 months old now. You'd have tiny hands with tiny fingers that would wrap around my finger. You'd have a tiny cute smile that no one could ever replace. You'd have a light skin complexion that you wouldn't get from me. But you'd be Mine.
Have you in cute little outfits.. have cute hair styles with your curly hair.. you'd have his eyes but you'd be Mine.
The 9 months I would have kept you... if I knew a head of time... you would have been safe and sound..
One year later and I still miss you.. knowing what you were now vs how I thought you were just nothing.. I remember holding you with my hand when I'd lay at night.. I remember feeling you with my second thoughts knowing what you were..
Deep down I knew what you were to me.. I was just caught up in so much bullshit I didn't want to believe it. So yes I took another hit from the blunts. Yes I took another shot. Yes I didn't want you to be real...
then I saw you... too soon and the pain I felt never hurt so much physically and mentally... all day I've thought about you. All week I've thought about you. All month. All summer; scared about how I'd feel about today.
Spiritually I feel you would have became a beautiful young woman.. you would have been Mine..

You would have had the best years of your life, with or without him. I'd show you that you wouldn't need a father to take care of you. Like my own mother showed me..
Your grandmother..
We would have showed you so much love, more than what he could have shown you.

You know some days are harder than others when I think back to this day.. thinking about how much I was hurting.. you woke me up at 6:30 in the morning.. I was in so much pain all day til you came out.. and my heart hurt. I nearly cried in that public bathroom the moment I saw you.. I walked out not knowing who I was staring at in the mirror. You changed me that day.. my depression grew deeper and deeper, and I thought it was all my fault. You leaving was the climax to everything happening..

I look back now to a year ago and see how angry I was within myself about how much hate I allowed into me.. knowing now that you wouldn't want me to be angry, sad, depressed.. you'd want me to be happy. If you were here today I'd be the happiest person alive..
It took me a while to see that I still can be happy and make memories I would have made with or without you in my life.
Yes I'm happy now, you leaving did hurt me.. physically and mentally. No one understood me but me..
I know that even if you stayed we would be thriving together til the day I die. Me and you together.. S & L Forever And Always.
Once you were a nightmare but you will be a dream coming true in another life, another time, another world. As long as I'm here breathing, living, taking in every moment this world has to give me I know I'm never alone that you are always with me in my heart and one day will be with me..

11.14.18
~L.P

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Hello fellow readers, sorry for my little sad moment.. I've been trying to push through this week with flying colors.. though I feel like I'm grey lately. A year ago I lost something I never thought I'd lose. I was set in a deep depression to where I felt like giving up everyday not even getting out from bed, not eating, not leaving the room, staying up late night's. I wouldn't talk to my friends. I refused to go to school, speak to my own family..  you get the picture. Depression was my only friend. But after some time and getting out of my comfort zone I'm doing a lot better. I wake up every morning finally feeling blessed, relieved. The pain in my soul has fated for now. One in a while it shows up but not for long anymore.

Depression is real.. please take some time to check up on your friends even if they don't want to talk or do anything.. even check on yourself. Because trust me if it wasn't for me wanting to prove them wrong I wouldn't be here today writing... let alone breathing. I love you guys! Daily reminder everyone is special