Forever Trapped

I think I've momentarily forgotten how to breathe.

Kahit isang metro pa ang layo ng mukha niya sa akin ay pakiramdam ko, sinasakal ako ng nakakapatay niyang tingin.

"How did you manage to live here, Zahara? Can you even call this place a... a house?"

I slightly bowed my head to avoid Fin's intense gaze. Hindi ko din inakalang ipagpapalit ko ang dating buhay ko para manirahan dito but I had my reasons. I believed I could exchange money for healing, my peace of mind.

"Fin, please..." yumuko ako upang itago ang mga luhang namumuo sa mata ko at isa pa, di ko siya kayang makita... Ang lalakeng minsan ay minahal ko.

Pinilit kong alisin ang mga kamay niyang kumukulong sa akin pero sa huli ay tumigil din ako dahil alam kong wala akong laban sa lakas niya. Sa tingin ko nga ay mukhang mas lalong lumaki ang katawan niya compared to the last time we saw each other.

Naramdaman kong hinawakan niya ang baba ko at iniangat ang mukha ko dahilan upang magtama ang tingin naming dalawa... Ito ang mukhang naging dahilan ng kasiyahan at matindi kong kalungkutan... Ang mataas niyang ilong, ang mga mata niya, ang mapupulang labi at maputi niyang balat. Ang lalakeng dati ay pinangarap ko ngunit nang maabot ay iniwan din.

"How- How are you so different from her?" He scanned me head to toe and I was suddenly conscious. The feeling was new because I usually don't care what others think of me or how I look but the man in front of me- even if he is eyeing me like I'm some kind of stranger is still my husband. "What happened to you Zahara? Help me understand!"

I can feel his frustration, his anger as he stared into my eyes. Siguro ay gusto niyang malaman kung ako pa rin ba ang babaeng pinakasalan niya.

I stopped myself from sobbing pero di ko na kinaya at nilagay na lang dalawang palad ko sa mukha upang umiyak. Hindi ko siya masisisi kung galit siya sa akin dahil alam kong ako din naman ang may kasalanan pero gusto ko nang makalimot. Gusto ko nang mabuhay nang wala siya at higit sa lahat, ayaw kong maging hadlang sa mga pangarap niya.

With what's left of my strength, I pushed him away. I felt so weak. Ni hindi man lang gumalaw si Phoenix sa kinatatayuan niya. This just sucks. "Tigilan mo na ako, Phoenix. The woman you're looking for.... wala na siya. Matagal nang wala si Zahara. Never look for me again.Hindi mo na ako pag-aari kaya nakiki-usap ako, iwan mo na ako." Pahina ng pahina ang boses ko.

"Are you actually kidding? Zahara or whatever you call yourself right now, that doesn't change the fact that you are still my wife. We've said our vows and we promised each other. I don't know what you are thinking but that doesn't change the fact that whatever you do, wherever you go... you are still my wife."

He looked so angry. I've never seen him this angry kaya naman napa-atras ako. Natakot na lang ako bigla. He must have seen the fear on my eyes kaya saglit na lumambot ang ekspresyon sa mukha niya.

"You wouldn't even say sorry?" His voice broke.

My knees weakened. Takot akong tumingin sa mga mata niya dahil baka hindi ko kayanin. I don't even know where I still get the strength to stand in front of him.

Alam kong nasaktan ko siya but seeing it face to face was different. May rason din ako at pinili ko lang din naman ang sarili ko. I didn't want to say goodbye because I might choose him over me again. I can't afford that... not anymore.

"Zahara," He calmly said and I wish I could hear him say my name, over and over again. It's been so long since I've been called by that name. "I'll leave for now, like you are asking me to. Do you want space? You were gone for months! Isn't that fucking enough? I won't force you to come with me but I'll come back and remind you about us until you better remember the promises you made- that you broke. You know damn well how persistent I can be."

I wanted to tell him to stop all of this. Na huwag na lang niya akong balikan but he's right. I know how persistent he can be because even with all the walls that I've built before, I gave in.

But not this time.