Athena

     Ally started calling me Athena when I turned 10 she said I came out of my mothers womb a fighter, dressed in armor ready for war. She said I came with a whole war strategy in hand and the wisdom to help her understand.

   When I said I didnt know something she said "Be patient and think it'll come to you. If not what you need then a way to help you find it." I didnt much understand the way she used to talk as if it was in code as if she didnt want anyone to hear us but I understood what she meant, time would help me understand it all. And with that I became who I am. I started to read and learn. I fell in love with books and school. Yes we went to school. We kepped our secrets hidden no one knew what happend at home the fear of also loosing each other was greater then the need to get away from the abuse. Ally dropped out when she saw the need to only take care of me but made me finish school.

I remember those long nights spent in a closet hiding from dad, or our uncle, or his friend. There were many of those nights. Of me alone in a small closet trying to sleep as much as possible because I had to go to school the next day. Or because sleeping kepped the noises away. But with sleep came nightmares. And with nightmares came restlessness.

  Ally told me the story of Athena. I later on googled it but the way she told me made me proud of being called Athena.

"It is said that Zeus had ask Hephaistos to help him with the pain he felt on his head. He had been thinking of ways to help Ares win a war. And in the mist of thinking he created Athena. Hephaistos struck Zeus in the head with an axe and out came Athena the goddess of wisdom and war. Although she did not take much place in the actual war itself she help strategize. She planned and helped executed the way to win many wars. She was also known for her wisdom. For knowing but most importantly for thinking before acting."

She told me every day to think things through and through to take my time to not let people pressure me.

  She talked about momma every day she sang to me, she read to me. She raised me. I like to think that she molded me into something better then what she was becoming. But she failed to see my dark side. She failed to see how I was also breaking. Maybe not in the same way as her but I was breaking. And up until this day I am still broken. I dont know exactly when I broke or what caused it but it happend I can feel it. I can feel the emptiness the deep dark hole in me.

  I sometimes find my self trying to figure out what went wrong and again I hear her say "Be patient and think, it'll come to you." Over and over until I give up.

  I have lived most of my life in a room, in a closet, in a corner. Hiding. But now I'm out in the world. With a new brother and strange people around me.

I dont really like it but Jamie's old lady Nemesis, that's what they call her. And I'm not quite sure she knows what it means, but I'm gonna find out why she was called that. She told me to fake it till I make it and I know it might sound basic but I think it might work, to atleast fool the rest until I figure myself out.

I sometimes wish I could go back. Everything was much simpler I didnt have to worry about the world but about myself and some times Ally and it might be a little selfish and childish to wish for it, but it happens. I enjoy the simple things and that was simple maybe not for her but it was for me and yes I saw and heard things but when that's the only thing you grow up knowing it becomes normal no matter how many times you are told it's not. I'm not saying I thought it was an ok thing, I knew it was bad, really bad, but I didnt know any different. And after we got out I locked myself in a room because it was the closest I was gonna get to my normal. I wasnt always happy, but Ally would make sure I laughed or smiled atleast once before u went to bed.

It can get so overwhelming having to get used to all these new things and people that I again find myself in a room, in a closet, in the corner, just breathing. No thinking, no movement other than my chest rising and falling with my calmed breath. I sit there and listed. I can sometimes make out a conversation in the room next to mine, or the sound of cars, and every once in a while I can hear grunts and pleasure filled screams. And it might sound odd or even unatural but that helps me relax and sleep that is the closest to normal that I'll get atleast until I'm able to readjust my normal to what the world sees fit.

I want to be able to fit in but fitting in entitles changing, changing the way I think, changing who i am, changing what i know. And that takes time, I'm working on a plan I'm strategizing how to best do it. How I can change with out affecting my personality much. I know I cant change from inside the room. I know i cant change with out actually going out in to the world. But I've been alone most of the time for more than 6 years. And now I have to go out there and smile at people who may or may not be worst than me. Faking being happy, faking love and care and that scares me.

I'm terrified to fight my demons because they have been growing and they are all I've known from the day I was born. They know me better then i know myself.

  So tell me when theres a war going on between good and bad, or what should be and what is. Who is to win?

  People who belive in happily ever afters will say good. And those who think you are the writer of your own story will say the decision is yours.

  I say neither, I belive there should always be a balance between good and bad. Between past and future. Between who I am and who I want to be. That's why change takes time. Because you have to learn to live with who you are and mold who you want to be around that. So even after you have changed you haven't truly changed that person you used to be, that way you used to live will always be there ready to come back when ever you allow it.

I would love to say I was at some point an innocent child, but I didnt get that I didnt get the rainbows and unicorns when I was growing up. I went straight from being a baby to being a scared adolescent. I didnt have time to cope or adjust. I was born in to it all, I grew up with it. It is all I know but that doesn't mean it is all I will ever know.

  The butterfly is a perfect example for change. And the butterfly effect is the perfect example on how to change. Slowly and evaluating as many scenarios as possible.

  
  Welcome to my mind. A labyrinth of mistery, and darkness in which I hope to find some innocence and happiness. I might just have to fake a few things every now and then. But what's the world if not a speroide rotating around a sphere claiming it as it's only reason for living. So maybe just maybe that's what I need. A reason to change for the better. Something or someone to keep me going in the right path even if in the long run I'm the reason for my own destruction.

   I've been trying to keep the monsters at bay for as long as I could. And thankfully I've succeeded so far but now I have to not just keep them quiet but also learn how to deal with people. And if you ask me those are the worst monsters that you could ever confront, people, they can be nasty and hurtful in so many ways. Now I have to battle my inner demons and those from the outside hoping to be able to make it out sane or as close to sane as possible.