Dear Men

Prolouge

Dear Men,
Today is December 17th, and the weather is cold as balls.
More importantly, my boyfriend, B., cheated on me.
Under the mistletoe, with my sister, D.
D. has never been close to me, but honestly.
If I hadn't known he had been fucking the head cheerleader, Sophia, I'd be pissed.
To quote Ivana Trump, 'Gorgeous hair is the best revenge'.
A bitch has gotta do what a bitch has gotta do, am I right?
It only stung because it was my mistletoe, in my house.
Fucktards' could've checked to see if my car was in the garage....
It eerily reminds me of the summer fling in '11, the one in Sarasota.
Philandering pants and extreme weather don't mix.
I'll be on the look out whenever it snows, rains, hails or if the temperature is in the 90s or 20s.
C'est la vie.
Until Next Time,
Ryman

Dear Men,
You cruel worthless gender! He said that we were just friends, at least in the beginning.
I fucking fell for it too!
We began to see each other, but it turns out I'm the other woman.
Honestly, I've almost given up.
Like, bruh, get you shit together.
But, I got an A on a test in bio because of some hot nerd who helps me sometime.
Finally a happy point, I see the light!!!
Maybe I just need just need to be laid.
I just announced that to all of you, didn't I?
Oh well.
What I really need is some whiskey. I'm a goddamn donation fund.
Or at least that's what he thought.
Cashing Checks And Breaking Necks, Am I Right?
Ryman

Dear Men,
I finally got a date (from a hot nerd in my biology class), and he stood me up!
Although, I think he might be gay, so that gives him a good excuse.
It's like Abe Lincoln, the first gay president. He was married, as a cover.
Well, that's what E.W, my history teacher told us.
Gay my ass, that's my opinion.
It's like common core.
People talking out their asses, who think they know everything.
Anyway, back on topic.
I had a tight dress on and everything.
His loss.
I'll Get Over Him,
Ryman

Dear Men,
Sweet clusterfuck.
Shithead.
Dickwad.
Used-douche.
Sorry, I needed to get that out.
So, E., my summer lover (who isn't a boy toy, he's a virgin) of recent, hasn't wanted to have sex with me.
Okay, I understand.
Until I see you in a Walgreens in the next town over buying condoms.
FUCKING MAGNUMS.
So, I confront him, and he calls me the wrong fucking name.
Erica! Who is Erica?
Asshole.
I'm smelling setting fishy about the whole virgin thing, ya know?!!
I don't care, my next victim will be bigger, and will be better.
I Need A Life And Boyfriend,
Ryman