Nearing the Horizon

//loser, a jackass full of scars//

The horizon is so far beyond me.

No matter how far I walk, I’m always attached to this path where the radiant sun touches my nose, providing the physical warmth to my body. Albeit, I am shrouded my everlasting darkness and everything feels cold and heavy inside.

Trudging ahead, a few old but happy and precious memories kept replaying in my head like a broken recorder. The brightest smiles drawn on our faces as our hands intertwined together, fitting perfectly like a puzzle piece. Or so I thought. The memories continue to play as if on repeat, tricking me into thinking that there was once a connection between us.

I remember the way your hand perfectly fits into mine. I remember the smooth, addicting touch of your palm against my skin as it brushes against my arm and down to hold my hand. I remember how I held you tight, moving closer to you, reducing the gap between us. Genuinely knowing I will never lose the only possession I can call my own. I remember the thought we are almost perfect for each other.

These memories that just kept adding more weight to the burden I'm already carrying on my shoulders.

The deafening silence made me even aware that in this vast road, I was the only one walking on it. The deafening silence loudly reminded me that even on this vast road, I was the only one walking on it, screaming at the loneliness that follows me around.

Not a single soul in sight to stay by my side, to guide me, to help me. It’s as if the shadows permanently occupied the space around me, forcing everyone to stay away.

No one.

//will you be my friend tonight?//
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In the noise called silence, the wind kept blowing words to me. Whispering to me to just end it all here.

What's the purpose of doing this in the first place, you never truly cared.

It's like you never even there at all. Like I was just in love alone.

//I told myself I didn't want you anymore//

I finally understand and admit to the fact that this thing we call “love” is merely an illusion in disguise to provide another thing called “happiness” because humans somehow need these things in order to live to the fullest.

Despite being fully aware that I walked more steps than I probably should, that I took in new sights and gathered knowledge not known to me before, it never came to me that it will all end just like this.

I just can't reach the horizon.

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I took a short glance at my hands before proceeding to cup my face and looked down, my legs coming into view together with the endless stretch of asphalt I’ve been walking on for hours.

These days I wake up to extreme sadness wishing that I'll never even wake up anymore.

These days I suddenly realised that I've literally had enough of this world's cruelty, of this world's unending pain and unbearable sadness.

Why must I be the one to shoulder all the world's burdens? Why must I be the one to always get hurt?

My mouth is completely dry by now. My body seems ready to fall like leaves which wilted and ran out of hope to live.

My legs start to become heavy as though metal chains were attached to my ankles, dragging and pulling me down to the ground.

No matter the pain, each step I take is nothing compared to the words thrown at me by the people who hate and hurt me.

I'm too numb to even be affected by the hurtful words that pierce through my already scarred heart from all the hurt I have experienced from the past.

Tell me again that I'm never good enough. That I will never achieve anything, even my own happiness. 

I won't feel any pain now.

//tell me love is not over//
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I thickly swallowed the huge lump formed in my throat as the wave of realisation hit me, informing me that they were indeed accurate.

Anger rose up my chest as I started to mentally scold myself for putting in so much effort to prove them wrong when they have been right the whole time.

I was mistaken. Fooled by this world. I became too blinded by imaginary luxury.

I was trapped under a spell, a spell that had me pretend that nothing is wrong and nothing will ever be. I was made to believe that everything will turn out perfect, but I’m regretting every decision I have made until now.

I’m so angry at myself for trying so hard to find every possible rebuttal in order to prove their theories wrong. 

I’m so sorry. I just wanted everything to end in a blink of an eye but the only magic in that exists in this sick world is hate.

//can you trust me?// 
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The drugs I took are starting to take effect.

I look past the rails of this bridge down to the river below and wondered if I could just jump in, drown myself to get rid of the emptiness inside me. 

The silence is overwhelming but there’s chaos inside my head. The thoughts of everything I’ve experienced in my whole life are floating around, threatening to take over.

I have lost far too many things. Apart from you, who knew me too well and knew that I’ve also lost my family.

The person I call you who was also one of them, saying those six words of which were my weakness.

“I’m never going to leave you.”

I was under that spell for years, believing you. Entrusting my all to you because I thought that you were never going to leave me like how the others did back then. But it was all another mistake.

//but you’re my everything//

The loss of my life’s essence is the worst thing of all. Just think of losing everything, all of it, at once.

My walking was nearing a halt. Probably because my legs are tired from all the walking but my mind is still racing with the goal to reach the horizon.

I sniffed the probably last air I would ever take of this world. Filling my chest of this world’s cruelty.
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The heat of the sun melts aways any doubt of leaving this world before reaching the horizon. The warmth of the sun hits my skin as I stretched my arms out as much as possible.

All I see now is the transition of colours that paint across the everlasting sky, fading from light blue to grey and finally sucking all the colours out until the only colour left is the pitch-black darkness surrounding me.

My senses are starting to fail at this point, unaware of the things that are happening around me and also my actions. I don’t even know if I’m still continuing my journey step by step, not even knowing if I’m still inhaling air into my now tight chest.

My memories start to fade one by one as I finally join the category of just someone else’s memory. 

//I’m sorry (I hate you)//