Endless

1 Day Before

1 DAY BEFORE

Marcus runs his hand down my exposed side. His thumb rubbing over the side of my right breast as i lay facing him wrapped in his arms. My right leg is wedged between his, he moves his hands around me until they reach my ass and he gently pushes our naked bodies closer together. His lips crash down onto mine as he pulls me closer, my nipples grazing his hard chest. He plunges his tongue into my mouth and kisses me like there is no tomorrow. I smile against his lips, wrapping my arms around his neck. He pulls away from me and rests his forehead on mine. I rub my nose against his as i smile.

He looks me in the eyes, "I love you," I whisper to him.
"I love you more," he smiles before kissing me again, my tongue tasting every inch of him. I am so happy right now and my head is empty but my heart is so full. I am content and i can't even believe this is happening. I pull away from him and run my thumb across his cheek.
"Not possible," i breathe out.
"Bugs, are you happy?"
I close my eyes and smile, nodding my head against him. I move down so that i can snuggle into his chest. 
"You have changed your thinking ae babe?" I nod again. He lets out a long breath, "well if it is keeping your demons away beautiful i am glad."
"I've just made a choice that will change my life Marcus, and it has cleared my head," I look up at him, "and it's the right choice for me baby."

*        *        *

We are intertwined as i lay ontop of his naked body. My head resting on his chest as i run my fingers up and down his muscular arms. His fingers lazily making patterns on my back. I move to place a soft kiss on his chest before folding my arms beneath my head and i peer up at him through my lashes.
"What?" he says as he looks down at me. I shake my head unable to get the words out.
"Liv I'm coming back." I roll my head to the side and close my eyes, i can feel the tears falling.

He grabs my under my arms and pulls me up his body until i am forced to place my hands next to his head, to stop my face from hitting his. He kisses me, softly and he kisses the tears off my cheeks.
"You don't believe me do you," i open my eyes to see his eyes filled with pain and tears.
"I want to," i breathe out. "I don't think you understand."
"Understand what exactly?"
"How much i love you." I pull my bottom lip into my mouth and bite down, trying to stop the sob from escaping.
A soft sad smirk forms on his face as he tries to find the right words, "you don't understand how much i love you do you?"
I shake my head, "El don't take this the wrong way, but i feel like this is just a fling for you," he goes to open his mouth and i place a finger over his lips to silence him. "Sometimes i just think, that we were partners for so long and we got so close, that you thought this was what you wanted, and now that you've had it." I look down unable to keep i contact, "i think you will realise you want better." I chew on the inside of my cheek nervously, i can't find the strength to look up at him, too scared of what i will find in his eyes.

"Your favourite nut mix has cranberries in it." he states matter of factly.
My eyes shoot up to his and i narrow my eyes at him, "huh?"
"Your favourite nut mix has cranberries in it." he repeats.
I giggle, "no it doesn't," i shake my head, "it's called a nut mix El, it only has nuts, besides i hate cranberries."
"I know," he sighs and now its his turn to avoid eye contact. "I used to eat them all before i got to work, cause i know how you have been trying to find a mix of the nuts you like, without having to buy them separately. So i found this one for you, except it had cranberries." He shrugs as if it's nothing, "so i just ate them first."
"You what?" and then the tears start again, as my heart swells.

"I've always loved you Liv. I kind of hate cranberries now." Hechuckles, "but i would still eat them all for you my love." My hair has fallen in my face and he moves it behind my ear, while cupping my cheek. He rolls over so he is now hovering over me.
A tear rolls down my cheek and he catches it with his lips.
"This is only temporary, I am only going to New Orleans for a few months to get everything sorted and then i am coming back to you. I promise you Liv, I'm not leaving you again."
He leans down and kisses me softly, before we both quickly get carried away. This is the last night we will have together before he leaves.

I wish he could sort it from here, but he has a job to either resign from or organise a transfer, he has an apartment to sell. He is also being the bigger man and going to inform Mike's family of the situation and he feels he can only do that in person.
God i love him for that, but it is going to be the longest two months of my life. I thought him leaving the first time was hard, but this time he is embedded even further into my heart and now he knows. This is going to be unbearable, but i will have Peyton, Noah and Fin to keep me together until he returns.

He pulls back running his tongue along my bottom lip. "I am going to call you everyday," kiss, "and remind you how much i love you," kiss, "and tell you how beautiful you are," kiss.
I smile at him, "sounds fabulous."
"But for now, i am going to make love to you all night long," he rubs his nose against mine.
"Please." i whisper, before his lips crash onto mine, starting our hardest goodbye to date.

*        *        *

We sit in a booth at the back of a bar. Amanda and Nick snuggled tightly together, the four of us nursing a beer each.
"How do you think Liv's going to hold up Fin?" Amanda asks, i am the only one who has been through this before and the others are in for a big surprise.
"What do you mean? He is only going to New Orleans to sort stuff out right? Then he is coming straight back," Sonny asks, he is the newest to the squad, and although the other two haven't seen the depth of their relationship. They saw Liv after El left the first time and they most definitely saw the cold reunion he got when he returned.
"Carisi, their relationship is complicated. It is going to be hell for the next 2 months," I start peeling off my beer label nervously just thinking about it. "Baby girl is going to have good days and bad days. The only problem is the bad days are going to be hell, especially for us."

"We will keep her together Fin," Nick says sincerely.
"We are going to have to be on the ball man, no slacking." I take a huge glup from my beer, "otherwise she will completely break."

*        *        *

I lay staring at Marcus' bedroom celing, he is wrapped around me, his head on my chest.
I know for him my constant heart beat is comforting. I love him so much, and he is my rock. I have never had a man take an interest in my personal wellbeing and not just my body. He gives me so much strength and comfort, and i know that this choice i have made needs to happen, but i am afraid of what it will do to him.

I let my mind drift away, away to yesterday in the park with Noah looking up at the sky.
"I wonder what it would be like to be a bird" he had said, and i just can't stop wondering and wishing. To be so free and to go where ever you please, to watch over the ones you love. Always.
I think about how awful i have been to Liv yet she has been nothing but nice to me.
Tomorrow i will apologize for everything, make sure she knows how much i love her. How much i need and appreciate her. I will set her heart and concience free.

My life will change forever and i am okay with that. I am ready for that.
I am so sure and because of that i have had a few days of freedom, my mind silent for now and for the rest of time. It is so comforting to know that i am me again, that my soul is mine again and that it is me. Only me, making this decision and not them.
It is the right one and i am glad, I will be free forever.

My happiness will be endless.