feelings

1. CLUELESS

He slowly made his way out of the bed, careful not to wake up the man sleeping soundly beside him. He grabbed his Marlboro Reds on the bedside table and went to open the only window of his room, which he never bothered to drape a curtain over since he likes the way the sunlight wakes him up. Taking the first drag from his cigarette, he stared at the early morning grey sky, trying to grasp the things that transpired last night.

Dylan said his name when he came. It was a soft whisper, barely audible if only Dylan's mouth wasn't behind his ear. He was startled, then; the feeling of unease and surprise replacing the libido he initially felt. He went straight to the bathroom afterwards to hide what he knew his face cannot not show, and talked himself to pretending that it didn't happen at all. He spent all night thinking about it, and although he didn't, Dylan's face saying his name in his dreams kept haunting him.

He's never a morning person, and always he wakes up to him being alone in bed whenever Dylan decides to spend the night. And he's used to it, and he prefers it somehow since he does not know what to do with the awkwardness there could be. He hates those stuff. But today, it's different. He was the one who's up early, and this gave him time to truly admire how Dylan look like gods could have looked like.

The lamp shade's light that's behind Dylan at the far end of the room gives him an ethereal glow, like a deity straight out of his hibernation. He has never ever seen him this way, because as much as he is tempted to look at Dylan while he's asleep he'd rather turn his back towards him and just try to fall asleep with as much space as possible between them.

But today, having this chance, he knew temptation is only now a word. His jawline were so perfectly shaped and sharply prominent that he thought Dylan came straight out of an artist's painting. He knew that Dylan's a fitness freak, and feeling his lean body when they have sex is different from really seeing it. His chest was toned perfectly, his shoulders bulging but not too big, and those biceps and arms feel like they easily just shove him away if needed to. Dylan isn't hairy, which is something that he likes most, since he himself is a monkey. Dylan's face was so peaceful that it's totally different from the kind of facade he's always trying to show every time he comes around.

He knew he is attracted to Dylan; the first three months of them being in such "Friends With Benefits" relationship has thrown him to a roller coaster ride he's never experienced before. He's always been a hopeless romantic, and knowing only the feelings that are attached to a person who is in a romantic relationship is different to those that he's felt in this venereal one.

It came to a point before, perhaps two months into this, that he's almost ready to hit that send button expressing how he really feels about Dylan, and that maybe they can take it on another level, which is totally absurd because they don't even talk and whenever he tries to open up or strike a conversation up Dylan would only give a small grunt or nod and he would then know that it's the end of conversation. And that's what stopped him and brought him back to his senses.

He loved patterns. He loved being able to solve riddles all by himself; it only takes quite a while sometimes especially when his perspective is colored by his feelings and emotions. And when he realized that this is just another puzzle to be solved, he knew that this is something that he does not need. At first, Dylan would only text him if he's available, get out of the house when they're done (they don't even talk or cuddle before and after) and leave him alone. They will do it three to four times a week, but sometimes nothing really happens for the entire week. But he was fine with that until Dylan started asking to sleep in and spend the night.

He was fine with it, too, and he actually likes it. It makes him feel validated. Makes him think that it was something that Dylan really liked to do, and that Dylan liked spending time with him, no matter how pathetic that seemed. However, he liked it too much to the point that he thinks Dylan liked him the way he likes Dylan. And a couple of weeks of this setup led him to believe it would then be right to express how he really feels and step their game up.