all the things i cant say out loud.

old habits

i just got out of a long shower. one where i thought a lot and slipped back into old habits. i started cutting again, throwing up, starving. today's been really hard. i'm sorry to whomever is reading this. i'm sorry if you've felt the way i've felt for years. i feel for you, i do. i hope you don't feel alone like i do. and if you do i'm here. that's the nice thing about writing anonymously, my secrets are safe with you because you don't know who i am and i don't know who you are. it feels safer this way. it feels like everything that i think is a secret that i have to keep bottled up. this chapter isn't from my journal this time, i'm writing it as i go. the reason for that is because i ran out of pages. 80 pages in about 2 months. i need another one. my journals are my most prized possessions. i have 11 that are full from over the years. my current one; the one that has these writings in it, is my favourite. it may be the saddest yes, but it is the most well written and poetic. i feel like a very bad person recently. to add to that thought this is something i wrote in my notes earlier; i like who i am when i'm around people who don't know me well. i like the fake version of me, the one most people see. the real me is ugly, rude, and even a bit evil. the person i present to everybody is sweet and caring. how stupid am i? to think people actually care. they don't. i'm always the last choice. and i mean that's fine, i just need to accept it and move on. that's all for now. thank you for listening.