Life Changes

1

Sunday

I have to go to school tomorrow but I can't sleep. As much as I hate school, I also hate having trouble sleeping. Even when I luckily fall asleep, I wake up 3 hours later no matter how early I dose off. Whenever that happens, it would only take a miracle for me to fall back asleep. There were times when I was up the whole night. My mom got me pills for "sleeping patterns" but they don't work on me.

I don't hate school just because it's boring and mentally exhausting. I also hate it because some perverts in the school's program I'm in keep hitting on me and it drives me insane.

I can't be THAT good-looking.

This even happened to me on social media back when I didn't know any better. I was accepting friend requests of people I don't even know and was forced to take selfies of myself just to "please" the ones who made me. I regretted all of that so much that I deleted my account. I still can't believe I did all that and kept calling myself an idiot for it.

Honestly, these idiots are wasting their time. I'm not even worthy for relationships and that's why I'm what they call "asexual". In case you don't know what that means, basically, it's "having no love interest". I admit, it does get kinda lonely without anyone to rely on other than my family. It's not like I'll ever look for someone because I already know that I won't.

Who the hell would wanna date someone stupid and unworthy like me?

Sometimes, I wonder if I'm just meant to be alone and I don't only mean "single alone". I have one childhood friend and one friend I had in middle school but I barely see them anymore. My childhood friend has been spending time with her boyfriend and her other friends. While my middle school friend moved schools.

Making friends is next to impossible for me. Ever since I had social anxiety and panic attacks, I've stopped trying and kept silent. Most of the time, I would sit alone at school feeling "invisible". It's kinda worth it though because as long as no one talks to me, I won't feel like my reputation is on the line. Although, all the loneliness likes to think otherwise. Deep down, I wanna be able to make friends without any trouble but it's way too difficult.

Am I even normal?

I just lied there on my bed, staring at the ceiling as my mind raced. I would glance at my phone every now and then to check the time. I wish I could just fall asleep and wake up when graduation starts. This is my last year at high school and I've been dying to graduate.

I can finally leave hell.

Monday

I finally fell back asleep for an hour and woke up to my mom nagging at me to wake up. Waking up is a real struggle too. I can't wake up without my body feeling like crap and my eyes feeling heavy. I usually wear sweaters and jeans because I'm afraid that if I show my arms or legs, the perverts at my school might check me out even more.

This might be a bit shocking but one perv knows that I'm an artist so he wanted me to draw myself naked for him and hits on me every now and then. The other one would keep touching me. Like, inappropriately. I tried getting away from him and pushing him away but he was stronger than me. One is not really a perv but is really annoying. He would keep poking my side while trying to get my attention, "cat purr" in my face, and make that flirty whistle sound when he sees me.

All of that made me feel ashamed about being a girl. It's ridiculous that so many guys only want girls for their bodies. I had to learn that the hard way. It took me forever but I actually told the teachers about all that. I'm no longer in any classes with them and the one that harasses me is supervised 24/7. After dealing with all this crap, I have crippling "self-hate" and always wondered if my existence even mattered.

After getting ready, my mom drove me to school and I would usually listen to music with my headphones while I'm in the car. At least music helps me feel better. I also hated my school because it's so far from my house that I have to go to my childhood friend's house after school. Unlike normal school students, I can't go home after school. I'm not even a fan of going to my friend's house because she's a "phone addict" and only talks to her boyfriend or her other friends. Whenever that happens, I think, "why am I even here?"

I hate this stupid, worthless life I have.

It's not like I'll get all depressed and kill myself because that would only send me to actual hell. So, sadly, I'm stuck living this pathetic life. I walk to school and sit alone (as usual) while the others spent time with their friends, socializing without any trouble. There were even couples that would walk by and some would kiss by the walls whenever I walk to class. I just put my head down at the table with my arms until the bell goes off. Classes were boring as usual and some were a struggle because whatever they were teaching us was very complicated.

There was one certain class that I want to leave immediately once the bell goes off. It's not because I hate it but one of the perverts go to that class after me so I try to get out and take a different route before he sees me.

I hope all those disgusting ladies' men would just burn in hell already.

This is why gay and asexual guys are so much better. Since they won't hit on me or fall in love with me, I don't have to worry. When school ends, I'm not even happy about it. I go on the bus with my friend and was not acknowledged by her as always. I'm stuck at her house feeling like crap for hours until my mom picks me up. I feel kinda relieved when I finally get to go home. I can finally hide myself away from the cruel world.

I'm better off alone anyway.

To be continued....

You the reader are probably thinking, "For such a cute book cover, it has such a sob story!" I assure you, the story will get brighter. This might surprise you, but all of this is actually based off of MY life. Well, my OLD life. In this story though, it's from someone else's perspective with different characters. Anyway, thanks for reading I guess. Part 2 is coming soon for those who look forward to it.

(I really need more confidence in myself 😅😅)