3000 Stars

You Can't

Stop. Pause. Gasp. Choke.

Taehyung attempted to do all of it at once and found himself coughing, head between his knees as he struggled not to throw up. He hoped Yoongi hadn't meant to make him feel better. He hoped it had just slipped out and Yoongi wasn't expecting an answer. But he knew that whatever face Yoongi was making when he looked up would be imprinted on his brain for the rest of his life.

So he kept his head between his knees and struggled to breathe.

Yoongi didn't say anything. When Taehyung didn't move, even after his breathing had slowed, he sighed. Taehyung heard him moving around, and then his footsteps moved away from him, disappearing into the distance.

Taehyung nearly started crying again. He let himself look up. Yoongi was already gone. Taehyung considered chasing after him, but he remembered a night when he had chased someone else and felt terror race up his throat.

He couldn't-- no, he had to.

He lunged to his feet, smacked his head on the bottom of the stairs, and stumbled out into the open, scrubbing his eyes and looking around. He couldn't see Yoongi. He looked up and saw a flash of something up the stairs, but he wasn't sure whether or not it was Yoongi. He didn't care. He had to be sure. He would sit by the door to the roof all day if it mean he made sure no one went out there.

He couldn't let it happen again.

These thoughts raced through his mind as he threw himself at the stairs and started climbing, breath tearing at his throat as he chased the shadow of a memory, something he was praying wouldn't happen again. The stairs passed beneath his feet, adrenaline racing through his body, and he came out onto the top landing, stumbling, in time to see Yoongi pushing the door to the rooftop open.

No.

No.

No!

Taehyung didn't know where he found the energy. Perhaps it was sheer desperation. He nearly tripped over his feet following Yoongi.

"Stop!"

Yoongi turned, and Taehyung slammed into him, shoving him back into the door as the force of his momentum threw them both forward.

"Stop," Taehyung repeated, as soon as he could breathe. "Stop, don't go, don't fxcking go, don't do it, please--"

"What the hell?" Yoongi grumbled. "Get off me!"

"Please!" Taehyung whimpered. "Please, I can't, I can't fxcking do this again, please, don't go, don't go, don't--"

Yoongi stilled. "Don't what?" he asked quietly.

"Don't jump," Taehyung said, the words sticking his throat three times before he could get them out. "Please don't jump."

"What-- what the fxck?" Yoongi said, his voice dropping to a half-whisper.

In answer, Taehyung wrapped his arms around him, terror mounting inside him as he realized he couldn't catch his breath. When Yoongi tried to push him away, he shook his head, burying his face in his shoulder.

"Please-- don't--"

"Taehyung, I'm not going to jump. I don't want to," Yoongi said. "Can you please look me in the eyes?"

At first, Taehyung resisted his hands, but he gave up quickly. What was the use? Yoongi had already seen him weak in so many ways. He let Yoongi push him away and closed his eyes, struggling to control his breathing. In, out. In, out. Why was it so hard? He felt like he was floating away. He didn't know what to say. How could he make Yoongi understand without telling him everything?

"I'm not going to jump," Yoongi repeated. "I promise, Tae."

"I'm sorry," Taehyung whispered. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I--"

"Hey," Yoongi said. "Look me in the eyes."

Slowly, Taehyung opened his eyes. At first, all he saw was the floor, swaying beneath him. Then Yoongi's collarbone, exposed where Taehyung had pulled at his shirt collar when they ran into each other. Then Yoongi's mouth, pressed into a worried frown.

Then those deep brown eyes.

Taehyung's breathing stuttered again. Yoongi held his shoulders, leaning in and bending over to meet his eyes, completely focused on him. He didn't seem to realize how absolutely breathtaking he looked, every piece of him concentrated in a reality Taehyung couldn't process. Slowly, carefully, Yoongi wound a hand around the back of Taehyung's head and pressed their foreheads together, taking a deep breath.

"I triggered you," he said. The tips of his fingers pressed into Taehyung's scalp, massaging it. "I'm sorry. I didn't realize."

"Not your fault," Taehyung managed to choke out.

"Maybe," Yoongi said. "That's beside the point. Are you gonna be okay?"

"Don' know," Taehyung said.

Yoongi nodded. "Do you want to go to the nurse's office?"

Taehyung shook his head, pulling away. Yoongi let him, gripping his hand for a brief moment before letting Taehyung pull that away, too. Taehyung couldn't look him in the eyes. Why did this keep happening? He always hurt people when he got this close. Yoongi was too kind to him. He needed someone who would push him away, who would tell him to leave them alone. If it was someone like Yoongi, he would just end up hurting them in the end.

This wasn't something that could just get better. He couldn't just get better. He couldn't do that to Yoongi. He just couldn't.

"M sorry," Taehyung whispered.

"Thanks for apologizing," Yoongi said, smiling softly. "But I'd rather you took care of yourself."

And Taehyung felt his heart melt.