Why?
"I try, I really do. It's just hard sometimes." She says this a lot. Laurin says this because when her mother asks why her grades look the way they do, she doesn't want to tell her the real reason why. Why does she lie? Laurin is a pleasant looking girl. Her eyes are large, round and warm brown. Her stature is very petite and thin. She has a smile that shows all her teeth and squints up her eyes to more than half their size. She has a skin tone the color of milk chocolate and a laugh that you can't forget. Mainly because she laughs so much. Why does she laugh so much? Laurin covers up her sadness, her emotional pain, he anxiety, everything with happiness and laughter. She doesn't see what everyone else sees about her. She is on the inside looking out while everyone else is on the outside looking. Just looking. She sees herself as ugly. Something people can live without. She is bug-eyed, they are the color of dirt. She is too small and too thin. She is a twig. Her smile is unsymmetrical with big bulky teeth and it squishes her eyes nearly shut. Her skin tone is a blotchy brown and her laugh is unnecessarily loud. Laurin is the kind of person who doesn't want to bother people with her problems. No matter how bad they are. Why make someone else's life more worrisome? Laurin is the kind of person who asks "How are you?" And genuinely cares for the answer. What's the reason she lies? She has begun to give up on herself. Sure she has people who care for her but what good does that do? Why?
It's a Saturday night. Most people would say gloomy but Laurin says peaceful. It's raining outside. She sits alone in her room, just thinking. She thinks about the rain, her boyfriend and the fact that she is no longer full of the heart racing anxiety she just had a few moments ago. She looks down at her wrist. Watches each line of crimson red get thicker. Even though the light is off in her room, the glow of her phone's screen provides enough of it to see what she has done to herself. Her phone reads: I did it again. I'm sorry. Her boyfriend's response: Baby, what happened? Laurin: I don't know, I'm sorry. Her boyfriend: Why didn't you call me to talk about it? You know I'm here for you and I wish you wouldn't do this to yourself. Laurin is thinking of what to say back. Why didn't she call him? James was always there for her no matter what. James was a reason to keep going. Why didn't she stop then? Pain is why, it comes from nowhere but appears everywhere. Her love for James is strong, yes, but she is just not strong enough. Love is not enough sometimes. Laurin knows he loves her but she can't help but feel the way she does. Why does he love someone like her? He tells her but she can't wrap her head around it. He is here. He is staying. He loves her. So why didn't she? Laurin fights the urge to say "I don't want to be here anymore, I have no use, no worth. No one cares." Why does she feel this way? She feels like life comes with too many challenges. Sure she should be strong and keep going. But why? All she replies back is: I'm sorry. and goes to sleep without saying goodnight to James. Why?
Sunday morning and Laurin is forced to go to church. Why is she being forced? Her mother is making her go. Laurin's mother told her that she need to put her faith into the lord. Why believe in something that hasn't been proven to her? She wears a long sleeve shirt to conceal the the marks of relief she had given herself the night before. Her mother, baby sister, younger brother and herself walk to the church downhill from their home. It's raining again and Laurin lifts her face to the sky as they walk. She thinks to herself: Why? Not to anything specific but to anything at all. Why is the sky blue? Why is her metabolism so high? Why is she here? Why can't she find her reason, her purpose? Laurin dwells on these things as they all enter the warmly lit church. The service has already started. Laurin sits down as her brother slides next to her. She hears the pastors words but doesn't listen, only to bits and pieces. She listens to the words "inner demons" and "fight a battle". Laurin contemplates deeply. Her inner demons? She has to fight what? Them? Why fight when the demon is yourself? Why fight a war with yourself? Laurin doesn't think she is strong enough. No, she knows she isn't. Laurin looks around at all the faces and backs of heads in the church. At the people who don't understand. People who believe in some work of a passed down legend that gives you all that you need. Why hasn't Laurin gained the strength she needs? Subconsciously she runs her finger along the swollen red lines carved into her wrist. Her mind wanders as she feels a tinge of pain with each light stroke. Why?
Her friends don't know. Laurin doesn't want to worry them. She figures they have enough to deal with as it is. She goes to school on Monday with a smile on her face and laughter waiting to erupt. Laurin lets it all go during school. Why doesn't she get help? No one can help her, there is no term or diagnosis for her problem. "People who harm themselves are freaking crazy." It's 5th period. Health class. Laurin's classmate made a tangent off of depression. She is no longer paying attention to their conversion. Her hands are laid out on her desk and she turns her wrist toward her. The markings are still tinted red and look like they hurt. They do and that's the point. Why do they need to hurt? Physical pain is something Laurin can touch, something she can feel. Emotional pain hurts, but too much so. It eats at her, making it hard for her to want to keep going, to keep living. The rest of Laurin's day at school is a blur. Why?
"How was school?" Her mother's words. "Good." Another line that is repeated by Laurin. She is home from school and goes to her room. Her phone is in the pocket of her navy blue pullover sweatshirt. She pull it out after she sets her bag down on the end of her bed. James. How are you? Laurin stares at the fluorescent screen and bold black letters. How is she? Why does he care? She types back: I don't know. Her hand raises to a spot right below her eye. There is a tear. Why is she crying? The answer is unknown to all, including Laurin herself. Sometimes she cries for no reason. His response: What's wrong babe? Please tell me before you do anything. Laurin gets into an argument with James. Why? She doesn't know why actually. Uncertainty is an emotion that never leaves her. She listens to James words as they are spoken to her in a low, sad and exhausted tone. "Listen, when you tell me that you've done what you do to yourself, do you know how that makes me feel? I feel worried because I worry about you, and you know that. And when I'm worried I feel stressed out. You also know what I feel like I need to do to relieve my stress don't you?" Why is he making her feel guilty? Why does he have to know what she does to herself? She told him. James asked to know one of her secrets and Laurin told him. Why was she so foolish? Love. It's as simple as that. The saying "Love makes people do crazy things" is nothing but the truth. "Yes, but you keep doing that and see where that gets you. Six feet under at the age of 28!" Or better yet lung cancer. Her mother is yelling about something. Anger that has come crashing to the surface. Anger from nowhere. Why is her mother always so unhappy? Who knows and who cares. Anxiety, sadness, depression, stress. Everything that Laurin is feeling. All at once. Laurin is overwhelmed. If she wasn't here she wouldn't have to worry about any of this. Nothing at all, if only she was gone. A being that is no more. Her mother is too busy with her anger and doesn't notice Laurin walk into the bathroom. With her phone in one hand, up to her ear she sits on the cold, clean, tan tiles. The object of relief is in Laurin's other hand. Silvery gray against the yellow glow of energy saving lightbulbs. "I can't do it anymore. I'm sorry. I can't keep going." Laurin lets the words slip from her, no longer caring about what happens. James' words ring in her ears. "What are you talking about? Don't say stuff like that Laurin! Answer me! Please!" It happened. Worse than all the other times because the cold, clean, tan tiles Laurin was sitting on are now warm and painted bright red. "Answer me please!" Pain in his voice. She looks at the door knob. It's locked. Her body is trembling, she wasn't expecting this. The tears are gone. Why has she stopped crying? She is full of relief. Everything is drained out of her but she feels relieved. James' voice is coming from somewhere distant. The phone is on the floor. She whispers "I'm sorry." To no one in particular. This is it she thinks to herself. As her vision begins to fade her eyes shut. Her last thought-Why?
