AUSSIE MAAAATE

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by clemoreyes

by clemoreyes

MONDAAAAY MAAAATE

todaaaay maaaaate me rusty holden ute broke down maaaate i went out walkin for help and singin waltzing matilda but couldent foind eny so oi went back to me car and it was fulla kookaburras gitting drunk from me pack o expired ginga beers in the boot oi tried to shoo them away but whenever oi got close the kookaburras took hairs outa moy mullet oi slept in ma foldoutable swag mate.

TUSDAAAAY MAAAATE

i woke up in ma boxas and me swag waz torn apart maaate i reckon it waz them nasty dropbearss maaate their always stealin me thongs i started lookin for ma gumtree bungalo maaaate when oi was lookin for it oi passed ma town the postman looked at me and sed "maaaaaaaaate them nasty dropbears get t ya again did they Damo" oi said "yea the kookaburas ar at ya sistas car again tel er oi owe er one" he replied "mate next toime shes gonna come with er roifle mate, carful with tha sheilas mate" i kept walkin and i finally found ma bungalo it was an old torn apart tree fort trashed with soda cans but you shoulda seen it now! straighaway oi went insoide and sat down on ma wet filthy couch little cocroaches crawled out when oi sat down by now it waz about midday (midnight for us) and oi fell asleeep

WEDNESDAYYYY MAAATE

i woke up and walked outside drinking some expired ginger beer out of a mug until a friggin dropbear jumped from my bungalo and smacked my mug out of my hand i shouted at it "you ******* ***** look what you ******* did you little piece of **** and then animal control rocked up and said "whats up fam dont worry damo we'll get you back to the asylum as quick as we can and no tazers this time we promise" i grunted and screamed i started bolting to the kookaburrra filled car maaaaate with the van chasing me close behind i jumped in and fought against the shrieking pain of the burning on my scalp the van was gaining on me until maaaate i crashed into ma tree cos why not? they took me away and knocked me out

THURSDAAAAAAAY MAAAAATE

i found myself on the side of a lake with a croc chewin on me foot oi screamed "**********************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************" oi slammed it down crocodile dundee style and held its mouth cloesed in a hedlok it rolled me to the bottom of the water and death rolled me it loosened from my grip and bit my mullet off oi shouted "********************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************" which didn't help my scalp was bleeding mate the croc was gonna tear me apart oi punched it and wrestled with it cos just why not? but it got angrier and angrier it ripped of me toe and swam away oi floated to the top, got out of the water and fell asleep in the car oi crashed last month the seats were still moist from me expired ginger beer maaaaaate

FROIDAAAAAY MAAAAATE

oi went back to me bungalo and sat down eatin me expired beer nutsuntil oi heard a bark from me backdoor maaaate oi opened it and there waz me dog maaaate and it had a massive wolloby in its mouth mate oi shouted "now banjo, oive seen some massive wollobies in me loifetoime but this won takes tha flamin biscuit maaaaaate"we ate it raw over a pack o expired ginga beers me dog ate foive and oi only ate won mate me dogs an addict maaaate we both fell asleep over the wolloby remains maaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaate

(look I cant be bothered to the weekend too)