LIfe After Grace (a depersonalisation disorder story)

3.

“How’s that detachment thing going for ya?”

 “I could jam this fork into my eye socket and I wouldn’t feel it”

“Then I’m really gonna need you to put down that fork.”

-Movie numb

 

23rd day since relapse

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I checked the date on my phone again. The date flashed back at me, confirming my suspicion. It was the 4th of December. 23 days since my last attack. I had nearly made it a month. Two days since I decided to leave mum at by herself, while I returned to school next week. The shaking of my hands caused the old Nokia to slip from my hand and drop onto the café kitchen tiles. The psychological training steps I read on the Internet seemed to be working. However, the coil that had been tightening in my chest over the last few day had not loosen, and gave me a uneaseful feeling. I could not shake the impending feeling that it was not long now. I was scared. My finger scratched at my wrist trying to find the ring, as if it would somehow stabilize me, but I had taken off before I started work.

Calm down Delilah. Remember on your steps. What was the first step again? Right, focusing on my external environment.

I scanned my surroundings to find something to focus my attention on. Amongst the crowd of customers, my vision landed on Jayden. My eyes narrowed. His messy brown hair fell over his sun kissed skin as he looked down at the Rolling Stone magazine he had on the table.

I watched his movement closely. He looked a bit tired today, a light shadow visible under his eyes.  His black led Zeppelin t-shirt ceased in the middle as he shifted on his seat, making it look like it said ‘Lezepplin’.  He looked quite dangerous and out of place in his leather jacket, black shirt and worn jeans. And like before, he was attraction the attention of the ladies in the store.

Once the shakes of my hands and the intake of breath slowed enough to be considered normal, I picked up the tray and prepared myself to enter the floor. He would be there. The place I had considered to be relaxingly mind numbing had been turned into a stressful nerve wracking dance, and all because of him. It seems every time I lift my head from wiping down the white shiny tables, he’s there.  Every time the bell signals that a customer is ready to give an order, he is waiting at the cash register. And to make the whole experience even more confusingly aggravating, all he ever wants is coffee. Only orders one cup of god dam coffee. There are two things he must have a infinite supply of, one being band t shirts; for he had changed to a different artist everyday since I noticed his existence.  The second being, bladder control.  My last two days have consisted of me making coffees and trying to dodge conversations with him.

The tingling golden bells that hung at the front of Felix’s gypsy shoes tinkled into the kitchen as I placed the last coffee onto the serving tray I was holding.

“ Hey, my little Dee-Dee-DeLee-aaaaaa, Les and I have started a game. You want to play?” Felix said as he dumped a few empty coffee mugs into the sink next to me.  His way of talking would even challenge the likes of Bob Marley. Well, maybe if he was still alive…

“We are betting how many coffees that music man orders today.” Felix said as he refilled the near to empty coffee filter things.

“No thank you.” I said, trying to avoid all topics of Jayden who I assume to be the ‘music man’.

“Cooooommmeee onnnnn De-de. Live a little. Be the flower that spreads it’s wings. Don’t make me use the boss card.” The corners of my lips tugged slightly, weakened by his weird hippy analogy.  As much as my mind told me to refuse, my heart longed for a little taste of friendship, of belonging in this little coffee shop where I spend my days. A little taste could hurt, right?