Whenever I see you,
I'll swallow my pride
And bite my tongue
Pretend I'm okay with it all
Act like there's nothing wrong
Is it over yet?
Can I open my eyes?
Is this as hard as it gets?
Is this what it feels like to really cry?
Cry...
Ida clicked on the loop button on her music player so that Kelly Clarkson’s Cry kept on playing until she’s in the frame of mind to click the stop button for the player to stop. The song kept on playing like a flowing river and so does her tears that couldn’t seem to stop flowing down her cheek. The more she tried to calm herself from crying the more hurt she felt and more tears streamed down her cheek.
No, the song may not be what she’s going through exactly. But the pain in the melody is deep enough to relate to her. She had been crying since dinner and she couldn’t care less if other people saw her crying anymore. She just couldn’t bear the pain and she just hope that he could see how much she is hurting. Ever since they got back together after the break up, she have been feeling down almost all the time and is constantly crying. She just wish that he could stop hurting her so much.
Ida knows that if she ever told anyone how hurt she is, they will just kept saying “he doesn’t deserve you, girl” or “you’re worth more than this” or “you’ve got to start loving yourself, babe”. But they don’t know how she feels about him. Sometimes she just can’t bear the pain. But most of the time, she would rather be hurt than live without him. She just loves him too much. Her love for him is just too much to contain in her heart that sometimes it just hurts when he doesn’t realise how much she loves him. Obviously he doesn’t understand how much she loves him or he would’ve stopped hurting her long ago.
She’s just not strong enough to let him go. Why oh why?
And with her current depression stage, it just doesn’t help when he keeps on hurting her over silly matters. Just last week she lost control of herself during a fight and she started screaming hysterically and scratched herself where it left a scar on her hand. But she doesn’t want him to stay because he feels bad about her. She just wants him to change. He’s not the guy she fell in love with. He’s not the same person she knew 3 years ago.
If only she have the answer.
If only she could make him to stop hurting her.
If only she could make the pain go away...
Ida fumbled through her medicine drawer looking for the sleeping pills that her therapist had prescribed her.
Her hand shook as she tried emptying the bottle spilling some of the medications onto the floor.
Ida took the glass of water on her bedside table and sat down on her bed. She swallowed a handful of the pills and laid her head on the pillow.
As she closed her eyes she thought...
Maybe, just maybe, when she’s gone, he would realise how much she had loved him and would regret hurting her this much.
As her mind drifted Ida knew that she wouldn’t have to ask that one particular question that she always ask herself everytime she open her eyes in the morning.
Is it over yet?
