Athena

Thoughts

  After catching up with Ruben we begin to plan how were going to figure out exactly what has been going on with Jamie. We tried social media, google and even the dark web but theres really nothing his email is clean his phone is old so there no way to really hack it unless we can actually get to it. His laptop has nothing more then the picture wich as Ruben likes to say could have really come from anywhere. They could have been sent to him for ransom, wich I really dont belive, and the fact that we couldn't find anything worries me.

  There's one more place we really haven't looked but theres no way we can do that from our laptop and we can't risk getting caught so now we bait them and wait to see if they get caught on what ever it is they are doing.

  I remember growing up my sister used to tell me stories about our big brother Jamie and how he was her hero. I wished so much to meet him that I feel I might have placed him up on a pedestal, I might have painted a clear image of who he was and never really thought that like all people he would change. Its incredible how people can find it so easy to change and I find myself digging for excuses for not to change. How I'm perfectly fine the way I am and how when people change it's never for the better.

  So again I find myself in the shower sitting with the water cascading down my face and body and blood slowly leaking from my thighs. It's the only way I can feel relaxed and good. The only way to forget about anything else. It makes me feel so empty that I can almost feel the way I felt in that room, in the closet, in the corner where I could hear the soft cries of my sister while she was being touched in places she wasnt ready to be touched. While the men that where supposed to watch after us where doing anything but.

They were knowingly breaking us down stripping away our humanity and leaving us bare to the world while pleasuring themselves and building themselves up as if hurting a child was something to be proud of.

  Maybe my father wasnt a part of it and maybe he didnt really know what was going on. But that's the point he never cared enough to actually see why these other men where so willing to watch us while he left to get drunk. I'm sure he also forgot I existed at some point I mean I barely saw him and when I did he didnt really acknowledge my existence wich didnt help in my suspicions.

  At the time I didn't feel sad or in need of his affection. What is one to need but something they know. And I never knew what the affection of a father was. So I didnt go looking for it. I didnt want or need it, and i wasnt seeing others getting it so there was nothing to be jealous of.

  What did make me feel alive was the emptiness I felt everytime I walked through the doors of my house. At school and around Ruben I could smile and act normal but once I was at the house it all left my body, leaving me cold and empty. And I enjoyed it I want to say that it's because it was all I knew but that wasnt it I knew sad, I knew hurt, I knew broken I knew anger but the feeling of emptiness was my favorite.

  No worries or pain that was what I enjoyed more, not feeling. Ironic I know I was loving the feeling of not feeling it made me feel empowered in some way as if I was in control when I trully wasnt i would come in and out of the house through a window, i would automatically go straight to a closet to hide until Ally came in the room to spend time with me and then again back in my closet where no one would see me. I'm sure our Uncle thought I had died at some point, I dont know how Ally did it but she keped me alive and hidden and for that I'm thankful. For her im thankful because she put me before her and she went threw all of it for me, because of me.

I'm no Athena she should have given me a cursed name, the name of my demons, the name of who I trully am. Of who I was born to be, she should have called me Nyx. Child of chaos, and who alone spawned The Three Fates, Sleep, Death, Pain and Strife. Creator of all that brings darkness of all that takes the good and replaced it with bad. Thats all I brought to her live and keep bringing to her live. I should just end everyone's suffering, but I'm to weak to do so, I'm a coward or maybe I'm just selfish, it is what it may and why fight it, if it happend its cause it's meant to be but that would be me contradicting myself there should always be a balance and me staying alive is good enough for now atleast until I find what brings me my balace.

  Because with out good there cant be bad and with out bad there cant be good sure one will always dominate the other but that doesn't take away the fact that it's there. That I still have a chance no matter how small it is. I might not be bad in other peoples point of view but in my point of view im not good and that's what I'm working for or trying to work up to.

But how and in what way do I beging my transition? How do you become something you dont know and never have known before. How do you take the right steps into accomplishing something you strive for when you dont know what they are.

You might say just do good. But I only have an idea of what good is -Ally- and shes told me time and time again that I should do everything I can to not be her that she is damaged so I became me. And now I see how that's also not good enough so what if I try again and lose myself. Sure I talk about wanting to ridde the world of me but I also want to be selfish and get what everyone wants. I dont really know what it is but I want it and I'm not going anywhere till I get a taste of it.