Levi X Eren Oneshots (EreRi)

Our Past Does Not Define Us (Angst)

Our pasts do not define us; they don’t make us who we are. They can, if we let them. But we have to take it upon ourselves to change that. To make a purposeful difference in whom we once thought we were.

            A lot of grave things happen in the world around us. Some have ignorance, and don’t notice them. Some choose to forget the things happening to others. Then, some are very much aware of their surroundings. They’re observant. They see the inauspicious, black-heartedness of the world.

            I was very young when The Incident happened. At the time, I had no idea what was going on. With what was happening to me, that was how I grew up. It was almost as if it were normal for me, I had never even questioned it.

            After growing up a couple of years, and learning new things, that was when I realised what horrendous things has happened to me, and what I would later learn happened to many, many others.

            I was about eight years old when I had a bawling breakdown in the middle of the night. To this day, I can still feel the rawness of pure emotion and heartache to the major realisation I had had that day.

            Utter disgust. That was all I felt for myself. I should have been stronger, I should have fought to live for the child inside me, fight against the evil that has killed my childhood before I got to live.

            No eight year old should have gone through this.

             But I was only three when it started.

            Not old enough to even comprehend and have a thorough understanding of my surroundings, only that I was with my cousin.

            And we can all trust our family, right?

            My three year old body couldn’t have stopped him even if I tried. I was feeble.

            When I turn thirteen, I will discover that 20% of kids my age had gone through that too.

            Growing up, I had a goal in mind; Get strong. Protect others. The people around me, who I went to school with, all seemed so innocent. They were in a sweet bliss. I had to grow up fast; my situation had thrust that upon me. I felt decades older compared to the rest of the 10 year olds. It was like having a secret that only I, my cousin, and those 4 walls of a guest bedroom will forever have.

            Knowing how cruel the world is before everyone else your age was torture. It was infuriating to be with so many people who weren’t as mature as I was. I became distant and withdrawn from others. My anger has gotten bigger, boiling over, but never at others.

            I wouldn’t dare touch another person so violently.

        After years of observing people, I learnt to easily pick apart who was ignorant and who was observant. The trick is to always look in the eyes.

            I’ll never forget how I met Levi. He knew almost instantly that something was different about me, compared to every other soul in our school gym.

            “Your eyes look full of determination. Why is that?” he cocked his head to the side, raising a thin black brow.

            “I want to get stronger.” I replied. I got up from the machine I was working out on, sweat pouring from my forehead. I put my anger in my exercise all the time, leaving me with an extreme workout, body aching the day after each time.

            “By the way, my name’s Eren.”  I shot him a smile, and he gave me his name in return.

            Levi.

I hung out with Levi multiple times, and he quickly became my friend. We both preferred not to be with a big crowd, so it was no problem that it was just us.

After hanging out with him, I was shown that he is a lot more observant than me. Occasionally, he would ask me questions that were starting to head where I didn’t want it to go. I would change the subject, but I could tell by the look in his eye that he was suspicious. But, he was always respecting my privacy and didn’t push.

He found out when I brought him to my family reunion.

I know that I wouldn’t be able to go if I didn’t have him with me.

We arrived at the reunion at some relatives’ camp, and it was ok for the first half hour. But nothing could deny that the moment I felt myself tense up, stomach drop and heart rise in my throat, my cousin had arrived.

I ran off, down a forest trail and I could hear Levi calling my name and chasing after me. I tripped over a stump and fell down, rolling up in a ball and started wailing. Wailing for the pent up years of keeping this secret, of having my childhood ripped apart from me. The part of me I never got to live.

Levi was watching me become a sobbing mess. He tentatively stalked over to me, and crouched down.

“Eren, is it ok if I hold you?” I looked up, tears slipping down my face, rolling from my cheeks to my chin, and dripping off. Levi’s smart, he knew all along, didn’t he?

I start letting out choked sobs, screaming at Levi.

“Don’t you think I’m a disgusting person?!”

He looked me in the eyes, his grey looking into my teal.

“No.”  He crawled over and pulled me into his lap, rocking me slowly.

“It wasn’t your fault. I’ll still love you no matter what. Our pasts do not define us; they don’t make us who we are. They can, if we let them. But we have to take it upon ourselves to change that. To make a purposeful difference in whom we once thought we were.”

After hearing him say that, I felt the weight on my shoulders being lifted.

Thank you, Levi.