Choose You

Continued...

            Now, before I continue, there is a story that always comes to my mind, but I don't know how old I was, so I couldn't just add it into the chronological order of things. I was younger and I needed a helmet to ride my bike at this park. My parents and I packed up and went to wherever it was, but when we got there, it turned out that I had forgotten my helmet. My mom was so upset with me. She yelled at me for forgetting it since then I wouldn't be able to ride on the bigger hills in case I were to fall and get hurt. I cried the whole time we rode and I had to get off my bike for some of the hills and walk because she didn't think I could handle it. A little while after that trip, my mom mentioned going to the park again and I remember asking her if it was the one where I forgot my helmet and she yelled at me the whole time. She did not like that. She started yelling at me and told me to remember the positive things that happen and she started crying and left. All I could think was that I didn't know what I had done, that all that happened during that trip was negative to me, and that I guess it meant we weren't going to the park. We didn't go to the park that day. I sat in my room most of the day I think. I don't know if something good happened that day. I do know that I, to this day, only remember being yelled at and crying.

That was before seventh grade. Honestly, I don't remember too much about seventh grade. I remember liking Zach and only Zach. I remember the new teacher Ms. Thomas joining and teaching us. I remember writing pages of reflection on Bible passages. I remember opening up to Mr. Zimmer and he giving me words of wisdom. I remember him giving me the last book of prayers he had. Other than that, I only remember the second to last day of school.

Ms. Thomas had a different setup for her room. We had teams set up in fours. This was the one time that Zach sat to the left of me in our four person square. One reason why I liked Zach was because he was funny and sarcastic. This day was no different. Zach was answering question after question with snarky comments. It went so far that Ms. Thomas decided to give me a yard stick and told me that if he made another remark, to hit him with it. The time came when he made a smart remark and Ms. Thomas told me to hit. I panicked since this was the guy I had been in love with since first grade. It turned out that I ended up hitting him in the face... with the metal part of the yard stick... Yes, I hit my crush in the face with the metal part of a yard stick and he started bleeding. Since I was the one who hit him, I was the one to run to the bathroom and get paper towels. I remember having a purple hat on and it falling. I barely made it out the door before breaking down and bawling my eyes out. I tried to hurry to the bathroom, wipe my tears away, and head back to the room. I gave the towels to Ms. Thomas who helped Zach out then hid my face as much as possible. When we went back to our homeroom, I remember at least two people commenting things like, "That's not how you tell a guy you like him," and things of that nature. I was humiliated for so many different reasons. The next day we had our Incrediplex day and I hid my face from Zach and his friends the whole time. That was the end of that. My dreams were crushed and my main memory from the seventh grade would be that for the rest of my life.

Eight grade was okay. It was the basic relationship of a class that was about to head their separate ways, despite over half of us going to the same high school. There wasn't much bullying and we all could joke around with everyone since there was a new sort of acceptance between us. We went on our eighth grade tip, but we didn't go to Washington D.C. No, we went to a water park, the Hall of Fame, and Cedar Point, which was honestly better than D.C. would have been. I got close to people I used to hate, including Delana who bullied me for almost a year.

I think that helped, but Alana became a fake girl who is obsessed with popularity. Delana is depressed and isn't afraid to show it. I always have a part of me who blames everything that happened to them on myself. I was the reason why they became messed up and why they didn't get everything they could have out of life if I had just kept my mouth shut and my jealousy out of my mind. I know something probably would have happened to them later that would have effected them in the same sort of way, but I tell myself that I was the one who fucked up their lives since the day they met me. I have gotten over that a little more, but every time I see them and I see what they have become, my past comes to mind and I have to take time to convince myself it wasn't all my fault. 

Then came high school.