Choose You

You Choose.

The inevitable... Now, I'm barely alive. I am constantly angry, sad, and happy at the same time. I never know if I want to punch something, break down and cry, or laugh at something. My head is a mess and don't know if it can b fixed. Three medicines. Three prescriptions an I'm still this fucked up. I can't enjoy anything because I'm too worried about everything else. I am constantly living in the future instead of the present, thinking of all the stressful shit I will have to mess with later. But, then I have to try to concentrate on how to be the perfect person for what I'm doing in the present. It's tiring, but I'm not tired. I'm angry, but I'm calm. I'm depressed, but happy.

My mom never helps. I think I made her my next Mariah in my head. Mariah abused my friendship while my mom abused her right as a parent, both treating me like they owned my future, present, and past. I lived for them. They were my reason. I was not my own person because I was whatever they needed me to be. I never even got to find out who I was on my own. My whole life has been pleasing one person after another after another all while pleasing the people before them. I shaped myself into whatever I could so that they would look at me and want something to do with me.

I've woken up since I was younger. I dropped Mariah and the rest of the Mielke clan. They can't hurt me like they used to. Now, they only hurt me by proving what I was so afraid of to be right, I was worth almost nothing to them. They all moved on right when I dropped them like nothing happened. They never needed me in their lives. I'm sure half of the time they didn't even want me in their lives.

Same for my mom, kind of. I know... she's my mom so I have to respect and love and cherish or whatever pathetic word you associate with your beloved mother. Now, if I say the wrong thing because it came to my mind as truth, it hurts her more than some may think. I speak my mind and all the anger and hurt that have been held inside for eighteen years and now I'm the bad guy. She is the new Mariah. She is the angel. She is the one I can't touch without backlash coming at me. All the hurt and anger either have to disappear so that. I can keep those around me around me, or I drop her an lose so many people I actually care about in the process. Bad thing is with her, she's in my life no matter what really. Mariah, I could drop since we went our separate ways during college. My mom, I'm stuck with no matter what since she spent all the money she did to fly out to China and buy me from the hands of the adoption place. I have no sympathy. I have no care, so therefore I'm the one in the wrong. It doesn't matter what she did in the past because I am to forget all of it and move on. I am always supposed to move on, but it's hard when it's all you know. When all you know is the pain of rejection and disappointment, it's hard to give in and not care how they fucked up your head and life.

So, I am on the way to pushing everyone away; my family, my friends, everyone. I won't hurt anyone, really. They will get over me not being in their lives, but it's not as intense as me killing myself, though I've been thinking about it again. And, it's like a break up with everyone. You make it seem like their idea. That you are the terrible person and so they have to give up on the relationship and leave you so that they don't get as messed up as you. It's the whole... "it's me, not you" process. Make the other one believe that it isn't really them so that they feel good and leave you, but you actually win because they are gone. You can't be hurt by them. You get your life back a little. You get to start over, and they are happy without you. Maybe it's a lonely road, but at least you are still on a road and it's not just a dead end to hell; where I'm probably going. So many people have already left me hanging, you would think this would be easier, but no. Everyone who cares about me actually REALLY cares. I don't know why.

I don't know what's wrong with me. I don't know if I'm fixable. Three medicines. Going on three therapists. Eighteen years. Why continue? So, I won't. I'll finish what I have to and leave everything else behind. No one needs me in their life. I make it that much more miserable when I don't try. It's easier this way. Everyone wins. I just have to convince everyone that they are winning first. I just need to push them far enough so that they finally give up on me like I have. It's not hard for me, but I don't care about myself. For those who care about me, I have to go through the whole process of reminding them why they shouldn't. I can only think of those reasons, but people are so stubborn these days that they come back at me with what they believe are reasons for them to stay. It's annoying. People need to give in. I have and I'm still breathing; barely, but breathing. Dying, but living. That's my life up until now. The end. I'm done. It's all over now. Please, just let it be over now.

Dang... sorry everyone. I had a major mental breakdown right then. I even hid in a closet and cried! I, Molly Phipps, cried for the first time in a long time. My meds need changed and this just confirms it. I ended up being driven to a store with Jen and Alex. I went through so many phases in a short amount of time. I went through having a billion things go through my mind, to what was bothering me, to not thinking or feeling anything. I barley knew what was even happening around me because I had just gone that numb for the first time in months. I went numb a little while ago during college and I ended up not studying for two tests that I should have, talking to my MOM, and going to a counselor. I only got a short time with her, so she suggested going for a longer therapy session with someone else. So, when I get back. I have a session scheduled.

People ask me what is wrong all of the time. Sometimes nothing is wrong. Sometimes everything is wrong. This was just one of those times when I couldn't pinpoint exactly what was wrong. It just seemed like the more I tried to think positive, the more I wanted to cry because I was miserable. So much went through my head; from problems with my mom, decisions about college, my past that I have talked about in this, and so much more. Then I focused on what my mom has done in just the past few days that made me miserable. Once my brain got too tired to think about everything, it thought about nothing and I just started staring at nothing or whatever was passing the car.

We got back to the house we were staying at and just laid in bed to talk and nap. It was nice. The whole time he told me that he would never leave me. He supported me and told me that he could see through what I couldn't. He would kiss me whether there be snot or tears he had to wipe away first. He held me when I was shaking so violently that I thought I would head butt him super hard, but he didn't move. He held his ground like no one had before with me.

I'm so used to having to be someone I'm not to please others. I have to shape myself into what specific people need me to be in the moment I am with them. I have learned how to smile thorough pain. I know how to make a fake laugh seem real. I know how to lie and not get caught if I don't want to. I know how to handle bullies and disappointment, despite it becoming too overwhelming at times. I know how to silently scream inside my head and beg for the thoughts to stop. I know how to cry into my pillow or during a shower so that no one can hear me. I know how to please everyone but me. I don't have to do that with Alex. I can be whoever I want to be and I know that he will stay with me because I will stay with him.

I don't think people truly understand what love is supposed to look like. Everyone posts about the whole 50/50 and how it's shit, but I don't think they really live by it. Everyone can understand what love is supposed to be. They know it is sacrifice and it is more giving than taking, but until you experience something pure, you don't know what you are talking about. I was the advisor for all things relationships, whether it be a boyfriend/girlfriend or just another person, people would come to me for help or as a listening ear. I'd always have something to say, but I don't think anyone really should have listened. I was telling them what the world was telling them, not what I know as truth.

What I know to be true is that you choose your family. They are the ones who stick by you through thick and thin. You hurt them as much as you want, but they will be there for you no matter what. My mom is still a part of my family. She won't leave me no matter how hard I push and hurt her. She is just a part of the family that I want to keep, but stay farther away from. Ales and his family is part of my family in different ways. They are all more accepting and want me to be me while keeping them close. They like what I do with my hair, unlike my family who barely took it in and had to process that I had done such a thing to myself; telling me that I will be looked down upon because of it. They like my tattoos, unlike my family who think they are going to keep me from getting a job because it's "unprofessional." They support me through whatever choices I may make, unlike my family who make the choices for me and know what is best for me. They allow me to make mistakes and learn from them, unlike my family who have made the mistakes and tell me what to do so I don't make them. That's my family. That's the family I choose. I will tolerate the family I was given, but they aren't welcomed in my day to day life. They can understand the big things that happen, like when I finally marry Alex or start a family, but when it comes to if I got the flu or something small, they will not be notified other than me complaining on social medias.

Choose You. You Choose.