So maybe I'm a bit of a bitch. I say terrible things and I really mean them. I'm shallow and self-serving and selfish. I do a lot of bad shit and I'm lways judging other people and I disrespect my parents a lot. I'm a bad friend a lot and I say things I shouldn't. I can be suer obnoxious and annoying and flirty at all the wrong times with all the wrong people. I can be a whore too. I think my way is always right and other people are wrong no matter what. So I think I'm a lot prettier than most people. I'm vain and I'm shallow and a shitty friend sometimes, but so what? Aren't we all human. We all make mistakes right? Humans will always make mistake for eternity. It's what we were made to do. I shouldn't judge other people for making mistakes either. And just to add to the list I'm a hypocrite as well. So how do I keep expecting some cute guy to pick me up off the street? I'm afraid of what I'll do in a relationship. I'm afraid that I'd be abusive. I'm afraid any relationship I have will be dysfunctional. I don't know how to love. I forgot and it's very hard for me to trust people and make a connection with most people because high school has some strange effect to where you don't know what to do with yourself. You turn into one big mess with a case of the worst heartbreak the world has ever seen. Being a teenage girl is so much fun. I though this was supposed to be a bout being able to get a guy on command or being popular and having bonfires and painting each others' nails and gossipping about who's the cutest guy I've ever seen. That's just in the magazines and the songs. Life isn't one big party you get to surf right on through. You have so much pressure on you with your classes and getting into college or being good enough for the people around you. This strange new world and pressure of stress can change you and morph you into someone you never thought you'd be. I never saw myself as someone breaking the law smoking weed and getting drun, sending nudes, basically throwing myself into the trashcan my freshman year. I feel as if I'm useless sometimes and the only way someone will know me is if I act like a bitch. I have to be different, but in actuality I'm acting like everyone else. High school does some weird shit to you. I don't even completely understand it yet and it's actually very frustrating. I'm ised to being the one who can figure things out in a jiff, but now that I can't I feel as if I'm crashing and burning. How do I usually live, how do I flirt, how do I socially interact with people my age? I feel myself asking these questions everyday, because I'm so confused about who I want me to be and who I want people to see, because those are two very different things and they never seem to intertwine as one. It's like they want to stay as far as possible away from me. I wish I could just put my life on pause and somehow glue all these pieces back together to where they used to be.
