Death was so close

Sitting on the cold bathroom tiles, resting my arms next to my body, I feel the blood draining out of me. I take a glance at the blood puddles on either side of me, seeing the thick red liquid drizzling down my arms, as the puddles grow bigger. It just keeps flowing out of my veins. I start to feel a bit uneasy and light headed. My vision slowly blurs. It feels like this is it, finally everything is going to be over. If this is really it, I won’t have to deal with my past ever again. But something interrupted the moment, as I hear the door rattling slightly. As I look up I see the door handle continuously moving up and down. While lost in my thoughts I still manage to say:

 “I... I’m in here; I’ll be out in a few minutes.”

“Well hurry up then.”

I slowly lean forward and try to reach the door handle to unlock it, because I know this will be over any minute. I don’t belong in this world; I never felt like I did, I always felt lost. A lost boy in the big wide world. My past has had a big impact on my life. I don’t know how you would feel; if you were hurt over and over again, from the one person you loved the most, who helped creating you, who should be an idol to you. I never forget how it felt like. Not able to have a girlfriend, because you don’t trust anyone.

The only person who knows about my past is my best friend Courtney. He’s always been there for me, no matter what, and yes I know that cutting isn’t the answer to problems, but to be honest, it helps a lot. It eases the pain that I carry around every day, thanks to my biological father. I have nightmares every night. I’ve felt my entire life like I’m lost. It has never changed.

My life starts to slip away slowly.

As I sit against the bathtub still bleeding.

As I feel someone shake me and kneel down next to me and hear a familiar voice, but am unable to make out the words.

As I feel someone lay me down on the cold tiles of the bathroom floor.

As I start to feel pressure on my arms.

As wet drops fall down on my face.

As I feel an unfamiliar pair of hands on my throat, checking for pulse.

As I start to get lifted up and put on a warmer surface.

Unconscious I see a man standing in front of me. He’s trying to explain to me that, once this is over, I won’t have to feel like I’m lost ever again. I never have the chance to ask him if this is it, because I slowly become conscious.

My eyes slowly start to flutter open and I feel a hand squeezing my hand. A face that I know too well is leaning over me. His lips are moving and I hear the sound of his voice trying to talk to me but I still can’t make out the words, so I just squeeze his hand. I don’t know where I am. All I know is that the lights on the ceiling are really bright. Wait, the lights on the ceiling are really bright? Does that mean I’m in hospital? This can’t be good; my parents cannot know what I’ve been doing to myself.

After a while everything returns to normal. I am able to hear properly and actually move again. I turn my head to the side, to see Courtney sit next to the bed I’m laying in.

“H...hey, where am I?”

“Oh my god, you’re awake! You’re in hospital. I found you in the bathroom, and called an ambulance and they took you straight to the hospital.”

“Thanks, Courtney. I’m sorry you had to see that, it’s just that everything got too much and...”

The door to my room opens and I see a nurse walk in. She isn’t even bad looking.

“Oh good, your finally awake. How are you feeling?”

“I feel alright I guess; can I go home?”

“You certainly cannot go home. Have you seen your arms? They needed stitches and everything, so you just have to stay in here for a couple of days, so we can make sure the wounds are healing properly.”

“STITCHES?”

“Well you did cut pretty deep, and the deeper you go, the worse it will be.”

All of a sudden I feel really dizzy and my eyes roll back. The only thing I hear is voices full of panic, bright light shining into my eyes, which doesn’t do anything. I’ve been to hospital so many times before, but never have I passed out once I was in hospital. Maybe this is really it. I mean, I have never cut this deep before. It’s always been little cuts. This was more like slashing into my skin with the razor. All the cuts in the world cannot replace the pain that my biological father has caused me. The years that he raped me replay in my mind every day, making life so much harder than it already is.

I start to see a bright light in front of me. I start walking towards it. When I suddenly hear all the voices again and my eyes open, looking into the eyes of nurses, doctors and my best friend. I feel a pain in my right hand. I look to it and see a needle with blood running into it. So I have lost too much blood. Why couldn’t all this just be over? I don’t know who that man earlier was, but I just wish he was right, that everything would be over after this and that I wouldn’t have to feel like I’m lost. Yet I still feel like it. I was so close yet so far away.